Grief

So do you think that animals feel? 

I can tell you for sure that 6 year olds feel.

And mom’s feel.

Mom’s feel that heart wrenching pain when a child hurts an intense emotional hurt…………..

When we got out of the car I was met by Nevins with a wag and I gave her a Big squeeze and hug.   Then CC headed for the door and yelled out to me, "Mom, Look how muddy Church is"  With Aj close behind CC I just knew that I couldn’t get to the grey once silky cat fast enough.  I took that panic stricken voice and tried to get the kids inside.  I had left Dain in the car after I heard CC’s statement and raced to the scene.  I was in shock and deep sadness swept over me as I thought of "rescuing" Church from the local pound to have him meet with his demise in this manner.  The boys asked questions and CC thought he might just be sleeping.  I, of course still in shock. told them that Church was not alright.  I think I must have said it a few times.  I jumped up onto the porch and whacked Nevins on the backside as AJ fell apart and said, "Mom, please don’t hit my dog."  I looked for anything that I could cover Church with and did so before getting the boys inside and retrieving Dain from the car.

Once inside AJ sobbed.  He said we should have taken care of him.  We shouldn’t have been gone so long today.  That we should have let him live inside.  That we brought him home to have him die.  Why did we have to let it live outside where it was unsafe?  Why did we let him live next to the dogs.  He blamed me.  I blamed me.  Until I blamed Tom who didn’t want another inside cat.  Because I was trying to get out of Aj’s place of blame. 

This is where I started to be rational and not strictly emotional saying that we didn’t know that it was the dogs.  It could have been that Church was hit by a car and the dogs drug him from the road.   Aj said, "I was thinking of that" Or that many other things could have happened.  We just didn’t know.  All of this time we had Mikey Luna cat in our arms to calm us.  Mikey Luna was purring.  That was helping ever so slightly. 

Then I tried ‘the Kittens may have a kitten heaven bit.’…NOT even a little did that work.  And then the ‘Honey just think of how much happier Church was to live with us’ speech.  It broke my heart when Aj sobbed, "He’s NOT happy now"

Truth is that I was feeling EVERYTHING that Aj was saying and it was hard to console him! 

Then we wondered if Mikey Luna was traumatized by the incident or if Mikey Luna was sad.  Or scared.  Or even aware? 

That was one of the questions I asked my vet tonight.  Were money no object I would have ordered an autopsy to answer questions.  Snake bite? Drowned? Struck?  Mauled by the dogs?  There were no puncture wounds.  The cat was stiff as a board when I scooted the body into a newly purchased Farberware coffee pot box  I couldn’t tell in the least if the neck could have been broken in a rougher than usual puppy play.  I needed a pet psychic instead of a vet.  But as part of the healing we held Mikey Luna thru the afternoon until the vet could see us.  We went in for shots  and flea meds so that MIkey Luna could live inside from now on.  We would protect this one.

The strange thing is…..I was planning on moving Mikey Luna inside  because the dogs sometimes played  too rough with him and once had to nurse a couple of skin wounds but they had never really touched Church.  My heart fell when I saw Church lying lifeless and stiff.  And especially when I thought CC would reach down to pet him before I got there.  I feel totally numb and still a bit in shock.   Partially due to Aj’s response and massive sobbing. 

I would like to believe that Church met a mean snake in the garden and the dogs licked his wounds.  I would like to believe that baby Dain could be safe if perhaps he slipped out unattended for a couple seconds.  That the dogs would never transfer playful aggression toward a small human.  I would like to believe that they were playing and had no intentions of hurting Church.  I would like to let it go.  Don’t think I can.

Are these the faces of killers.

I wonder if Mikey Luna feels grief?  I know a 6 year old does!  A mother does!