kindergarten crush
time flies, even if you’re not having fun….
so there is a boy and his name is josh. he was introduced to me by a coworker and has since taken a keen interest in me, my life etc. he gave me his number at the very beginning and i never called him, and i remember him saying "she’s a challenge and i must have her" so clearly he was wanting to be more than friends. but i shut him down (nicely!!) and since he’s become a good friend and my new roomie. he has a cat and it’s driving me crazy. i’ve never had an indoor pet and i have to say that although i like cats, this one is slowly changing my opinion…. mostly bc it sheds all over the place. so yah, other than that, living with josh has been going alright. josh tends to talk a lot and not listen as much as he claims to be ‘a great listener’ but that usually works for me bc i don’t really want to talk a lot anyways!
a while ago the gang went dt for an epic night out, but since it was homecoming weekend, the bars were packed and we didn’t end up getting in anywhere except for tony’s. robin and i left the bar to visit our friend in the convenience store up the street and then go home, but we ended up staying in the store for quite a while because she wanted to chitchat with sherr and i met someone. his name is jadrian and he’s a wrestler. i found that out almost instantly somehow and we obviously got to the topic of how i was kyle’s ex. what a small small world. kyle is apparently one of his good buddies so wow. jd asked me for my number and called me a couple days later, so we hung out at his house and it was fun. we got together a couple times more and then i guess it was considered dating. two days ago he asked me if i wanted to be his gf, and i said yes. it’s funny how things can change so quickly…. just a couple months ago i was sure that i’d die a lonely old spinster and then suddenly someone takes an interest in me. i know that jd and i won’t last forever, we’re both at very different places in our lives. he’s just starting out in school and i’ve been outta there for a while now… which means that yes, i am a cougar. waaaaa i’m old!! anywho, i do feel kind of guilty going out with him when i don’t have very very strong feelings for him, but i always have to remind myself that i didn’t have strong feelings for kyle at the beginning either. actually i found him to be quite annoying but he really grew on me and because the best relationship that i’ve ever had. so i have to think about it that way, that not every bf/gf scenario is love at first site. and even if things aren’t destined to work out, i know that every person who has touched my life, whether as a friend or more, is put there to teach me something. it’s been nice to have someone to hang out with and he’s def welcomed me into his social circle, so it’s fun to pretend i’m in uni again and chilling with a bunch of students into the wee hours of the night. being that he’s younger, and a man lol, he is pretty horny. now despite what josh may think, i really don’t think jd wants me just for sex. there are times when we just hang out and talk and i know he likes my personality. the problem for me is that since i’m on anti-d’s, my sex drive is 0. like i really don’t care to have sex at all, and i just do it because it makes him happy. i know that makes me sound extremely foolish and young and like i’d do anything to please a man, but that’s not the case. i’m fully aware that i am the way i am, and i would def not go off anti-d’s to change that. but i also know that men have needs and sex is an integral part to a relationship – i am in total agreement with that. i do care about jd so i want to show him that… i could never tell him that i am a sad sad person and don’t like/need sex, it’s just too soon. so some of you are probably thinking "then obvs it’s too soon to have sex!!!! whore!!!" hahahaha, but i’ve learned from past mistakes.. sleeping with someone thinking it was going to seal the deal and make him fall for me…. i know that this is definitely not like that. for a long time i’ve been single bc i know i have to love myself before i can love anyone else, but there’s something about jd and how honest and genuine he is… josh thinks it’s unfair to him to keep going out with him when i don’t see us far into the future and that makes me feel guilty… i really don’t know what to think. he was supposed to text me this evening before work, but he didn’t. i’m trying not to read too much into things or be THAT girlfriend, so i’m not gonna let it bug me, but of course it would have been nice to know he was thinking of me, bc i was def thinking of him…..