gone but not forgotten

so i have more d-rama news, but theres something else weighing on my mind so i’m just going to vent about that for the moment. to make a long story short and compress the past month into a few sentences, i went out one night with cor and a bunch of ppl for her (now) bf’s b-day. i got ridiculously drunk and met a ton of ppl – i had such a great time! anyways, one of those ppl was ty, whom i made out with at the bar, hung out with and talked to all his friends and then proceeded to take home with me. this is so not me but i thought he was just so nice and cute blah blah blah…. so that night not much happened, i was really drunk and he was a gentleman… well i guess the most gentlemanly he could be while still coming back to my place…. anywho. he called me a few days later and we went out for coffee… found out we had a ton in common and really hit it off (wow – that’s something my mom would say). we hung out a few more times, but usually really late as i often get off work at 10pm – now this kind of bothered me for several reasons .. first of all i was staying up waaaay too late and thus i was a zombie the next day, and also getting invited over to someone’s house that late (to me) has certain implications… like booty call. i mean there was one night he was DT and called me at 2:30 am but i, being the somewhat clueless and totally swooning person that i was, went to see him. so this has been going on for a bit. don’t get me wrong, there are nights when we just talk and watch movies and stuff… and we’ve gone out with his friends a couple of times. but anyways, last night we talked about "us" which was totally his move — he brought it up and here is what he said: basically he just got out of a long term relationship (am i a rebound? no apparently not) and he was scared to be hurt again so he didn’t want a relationship.. but he really liked what was going on between us (of course said my friend maxine – i’m giving him all the benefits but not holding him accountable for anything).. so i said – what exactly are you saying – do you want to keep dating, per se? and he said yes.. and then said that it wouldn’t be fair to me if he were to expect sex when he blatantly said that he didn’t want to turn this into a "relationship" (although clearly he wants sex..being a man and all)  so yah, then where do you draw the line? as we were talking about this, we were laying in his bed and our legs were all tangled up in each other… we kissed several more times after that. i get it — but i don’t totally get it. and i wasn’t angry or anything.. he walked me home and we held hands… but then when i talked to a gf this morning she told me i "got played" and that i should just cut him out alltogether because he only wanted the perks of a relationship (ie sex) but he wasn’t willing to commit to one. now i feel really mad… i am soooooooooooooo oblivious and clearly i just hear what i want to hear and put the other stuff to the back of my mind. i honestly feel a little bit sick to my stomach… like if he doesn’t talk to me on msn tonight i might throwup… hahah ok being dramatic.. but theres this little knot in my stomach now and it’s killing me not knowing if he’ll actually ever talk to me again or not. ugh how could i be so stupid. my friend even warned me: she said don’t get too excited and get your hopes up like you always do! just play it cool, it’s only the first month or so… don’t get hurt! i just assumed that since we had slept together and were hanging out semi-regularily that things were progressing and that we were exclusive. i brought that up too, i said that if he wanted to date someone else, to tell me b/c i didn’t want to be involved in anything like that. i know that we’re no longer sleeping together but i’d still appreciate knowing when i’m about to be phased out. so yah. obvs i haven’t fully explained myself because after i read over what i just wrote i feel like i cast him in a really negative light and truly i don’t think he’s a player. rejection hurts. i just hate men sometimes. but i hate myself even more for caring.

there’s a whole other aspect to this story that played a small part in the beginning but not so much anymore… ty is sue’s bro’s best friend. so one of the very first nights when we were supposed to hang out with his friends and play pool, guess who was there? yup yup sue, kor and another chick who doesn’t like me very much. my friends were like "how could you go in there and bear it? if i’d seen that they were there i’d have run out and made an excuse as to why i couldn’t stay!!" but it wasn’t really that bad. i was polite, as were they, but i was pretty much ignored and only really talked to ty and his friend. i filled ty in on the sitch and then he understood why i nearly had a heart attack when i went into the pool hall and immediately walked up to the bar to order a drink (yes, it helped a lot haha). i was so worried that sue may have told him or her bro things about me (true or not) and that he’s have this totally skewed idea of me. but he said that he hadn’t heard anything and not to worry, so i really don’t feel this played a part in the situation as a whole.

wow, so much has happened in the last few weeks and i will write another entry later to catch up on all of the drama at work and such.

help me!

kirsten