02/05/2010

i guess i have to be more brief than i was hoping to be, but i have to catch a bus in the next 15 and i still need to get ready for work!! i promise to catch up with everyone who’s been leaving comments, i’ve just been surprisingly busy (for someone who is practically unemployed!!) and have every good intention.

anyways, ever since i really started to take control of the things in my life (my friends, my job) and do what truly makes me happy, i don’t feel upset or anxious. like i literally wake up each day and i don’t have anything to worry about, or to dread. maybe that’s a sign that i’m not really living up to my potential or accepting new challenges but to be honest i really like how it feels not to worry! i haven’t felt like this before — like i can’t honestly remember when i didn’t wake up with a little pit of worry in my stomache about : an upcoming presentation, a tough day at work, a mundane day at work, a sitch with a friend etc…. right now i def. feel like i’m just kind of floating along lacking responsibility and ambition but honestly, it’s nice to have a break. i used to the be the girl that held so many things together and now i’m not responsible for anything or anyone but myself.

that being said, i find that now when a situation arises where i do feel anxious, it’s about something that i actually do care about, and am happy to have feelings about, whether they are good or bad. for the longest time i could barely bring myself to cry — it was either nothing or a huge emotional outburst (see previous entries :P) but for everything else i was pretty much a robot. so the fact that i’m actually feeling empathetic right now is kind of overwhelming, but at the same time, refreshing. the reason that i felt prompted to write an entry is that lately i have been feeling pretty anxious about a certain situation with friends and power struggle at work. i’ve def. felt the need to keep everything in as it’s a very sensitive and secretive subject… i just got off the phone with my mom and we actually talked… for over an hour! that hasn’t happened in years.. literally years. i try not to tell her too much because she always has a way of using sensitive info against me when we get into some sort of conflict. i prefer to remain fairly guarded with her, even when she seems to be genuine. it’s definitely a defence mech. but when she proves me wrong that’s when i can know that she’s trustworthy!

god.. i’ll add more to this subject later — i really need to jet!!

peace