i can be fake, but in a totally different way …

i’ll tell you exactly when i’m fake: when i’m so fucking sad that everything is a task and i’d so much rather be indefinitely asleep than doing absolutely anything, whether it’s work or just hanging out with friends. that’s when i’m fake. i’ll fake that i’m happy or atleast ok, because that’s easier than the alternative. i can’t stand her anymore! i seriously have reached a breaking point where everything she says or does gets to me so much so that i have to bite my tongue so that i won’t say anything. because once i get started, there would be no stopping me. every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth is a contradiction. she doesn’t know what she wants but she doesn’t keep her mouth shut – she will just blab out anything that comes to mind, whether it hurts someone else, or even makes her look like an idiot. i remember all those rude things she’s said to me, or implied about me. i’m just wondering when she’s gonna get hers…. because at the moment it seems that everything is falling into her lap. the bf, the job (mind you one’s a pothead and the other is a store she "hates") . when i’m around her, i start to turn into her.. a snarky, rude bitch…. someone i hate. i say things that i would never say normally.. and instantly i feel bad, even though i know it’s what she would say to me, and she probs deserves it.

ugh. i know it’s not her that’s making me feel this way… because i used to be able to cope with her before… something isn’t right. but she’s not helping and instead of being a great friend who could help me get through this, she is driving me further and turther away. and i don’t really care about losing her or her friendship… i could just take it or leave it at this point.

so i can’t sleep lately.. i’ll even try to not nap during the day (like today and yesterday) and go to bed at a reasonable hour (yesterday 10:30pm!!) and still i’ll toss and turn and seem to see every hour hit the clock.i don’t know whether to succumb and just get up and do things (paint, bake, clean!!) or battle the sleeplessness and vow to keep my eyes closed. one thing is for sure.. no sleep day after day after day.. ti’s starting to take a toll.