Non-Resolutions

 I have a lot of resentment within me, I have noticed. I’m not quite sure who it’s really geared towered, and maybe it’s not even a person I’m resenting… Maybe it’s a situation or a choice. Sometimes I find myself lacking confidence in the decisions I have made and the road I’m traveling on feels rocky and unstable. There’s a fork in the road ahead of me, I could either turn left or right, but the sun shines on both paths and each seem to have their own obstacles.

The new year begins in just a few short hours, and although I find New Years resolutions to be a crock of bull, I seem to be shuffling through things in my head trying to start the new year off on the right foot. I know life really is how you perceive it, and a start of a new year doesn’t have to come to make changes in your life… But I need to change my outlook. I need to trust, I need to feel secure, and I need to learn to make decisions without them making themselves…

I’ve spent this last year feeling as though I am no one. I’m not worth anything, I’m unattractive, unwanted, and just a genuine mess. Now, I know that some of those may not be true and some may be partial truths; this new year I need to learn how to love myself… I rely on others to love me. How can I trust their love, though, if I can’t even love myself?