Up, down, up, down…

When did Christmas lose its magic…?  Was there a specific age when it was suddenly snuffed out?  Or has it just been waning since I was old enough to know Santa doesn’t exist?  My parents never made any bones about that…I don’t think I ever remember believing in Santa.  I enjoy the idea of him though, in the way I enjoy reading and studying Greek mythology.  

We have a *tiny* tree…it’s probably only about 15 inches tall.  B welded it from some wire hangers for the first Christmas we were married.  That was a turbulent one to say the least.  He wrapped it with a string of lights and some garland so it’s festive.  We’ve never been able to afford anything bigger.  There are presents piled around it, things for our daughter and his son that our church bought for us because our resources are so limited.  We have nothing for each other, yet, although I want to buy him a MIG welder.  I have a coupon to get one for $100…now if I could just pin down that $100…

His Lexapro came in today.  I am praying it makes as much of a difference as it did last time.  He tried it, about a year ago, from samples we got through our town’s free clinic.  But then they ran out of samples, and we couldn’t afford the brand name stuff (it’s around $450 for a 30 day supply, I think) and it kind of fell through the cracks and it’s taken us this long to get back to it.  We applied to get it free from the pharmaceutical company that makes it and thank goodness we fall below their income limit because we certainly make too much – as little as we do – to qualify for Medicaid.  I am hoping, praying, it helps to lift him out of the depression enough that he won’t feel that unconquerable need to obtain that blasted painkiller.

Things feel…tenuous.  I feel fleeting moments of happiness when my beautiful daughter smiles at me, or laughs.  The rest is just…flat.  My ability to hope for the best when it comes to my marriage feels weak – although it should be stronger, shouldn’t it?  I stay because I hope he will face down this demon before our daughter grows old enough to realize what’s happening?  Not that I’ll ever keep it a secret from her if it happens to come up.  But I don’t want her caught in the throes of this.  Even if it is a large step up from where we were 2 years ago.

Meh.  I need to go shower and sleep.