Fettering out the blather.

I feel like a lot of my early entries are…fluff.  I don’t know.  I read them, and of course they mean something to me, but I feel they don’t really share any essential information about me.  I’m pretty whiny to say the least.  I thought my life was so hard.  I think mostly what it was was the beginning of my clinical depression, which I have struggled with since.  If I was an outsider reading them for the first time and I didn’t know anything about me the way I am now and the events that have helped shape the current me, I would be pretty clueless.  Not to mention the HUGE years-long gaps.  It was during these gaps that most of the most intense experiences I’ve had to date occurred.  So I am seriously considering permanently deleting many of my early entries, or making them private so that readers can get right to the meat-and-potatoes and not have to sort through the bull shit.  Some of them are embarrassingly shallow.  Like if Me As I Am Now knew Me As I Was Then, I’m pretty sure Me As I Am Now would strangle Me As I Was Then.  It’s that bad.  So yes, upon completion of this entry I think I will go through and decide what to get rid of and what to hide.

My husband and I just got back from seeing Blue October in Boise on 9/22.  What a phenomenal, emotional show.  I really, really liked how they utilized songs from the past three albums to take the audience on a journey through Justin’s life for essentially the past 6 years.  We all perceive him to be incredibly courageous and yet I think it is a need for him, and that he’s only doing it so he doesn’t slowly rot to death in a mental institution.  I don’t think he sees himself as courageous at all.  I endeavor to not place him on a pedestal as I know many people do, because such expectations from fans must be so incredibly heavy.  Rather I see him as a unique human being with a unique opportunity to be a mouthpiece for the movement to remove the negative stigma associated with mental illness.  In that, I think he is fulfilling his potential and more.  I consider myself lucky to have seen them live 6 times, and to have briefly met Justin twice.  All I can seem to do is thank him, and he is always humble and very gracious.

So we got back to my parents’ place where we left Squeak (our daughter) for the 2.5 days we were gone, and now my husband has gone gallivanting off again to hunt with his brothers.  I know I should not resent this – traipsing about the countryside is very relaxing for him and he is experiencing a lot of stress with his job lately.  But I still find myself angry about the fact that he gets to go off on yet another mini-vacation and I am "stuck" doing the mommy thing again.  Truly I love my daughter, she is the light of my life and teaches me what true love and self-sacrifice is every day…but it is EVERY day.  I rarely get to go off and do whatever I would like to do to relax and leave him with the baby…in fact, I can tell you that has never, ever happened in the almost 10 months she has graced our family with her presence. (I am not using that phrase in a sarcastic manner – she has brought a lot of love and joy back into our marriage.)  Sometimes it is really hard to not have another adult person to physically talk with at all during the day.  And when my husband comes home, our daughter is frequently in bed asleep already, and I am tired from watching her all day, so I don’t feel as though going out in the evenings is a wise idea, especially since Squeak wakes up at 7 am on the nose six out of the seven days of the week.  And he is not a very verbal person as it is, so sometimes I feel as though I am literally starving for coherent conversation.  

It is a sometimes cruel, always exhausting labyrinth from which I seek momentary relief.

A brief post-script: I have deleted 2 entries so far and every time I delete one it takes me back to the main diary page.  It’s going to be a looooong process if I can’t figure out some other way. *facepalm*

Another brief post-post-script: I figured out a more efficient way.  Entries are now edited.  Plus also I remembered my password for my OTHER Livejournal account, so there are some more entries to get over here.  Going to start THAT process now…