Diary = fixxxxxed

I really am serious about updating this piece of merde.  No, don’t tell me I shouldn’t call this journal a piece of merde…because it is…doesn’t mean I love it any less, but it IS.  If you read from the beginning, I bet you’d think it was an entirely different person writing this entry.  I guess…truth be told…it is o.O  Anyway.

Really having a lot of anxiety about meeting up with my husband again, when he gets out of prison later this month.  I’m trash and had a one night stand…let’s just say I’m extremely disappointed in myself and my withered self-control.  I know there’s people out there who don’t think it’s a big deal, and that’s okay.  Whatever flies you.  It just doesn’t fly ME.  I am of the personality that my word is my bond…at least, I try to make it that way…and I’ve done a bang up job of it this time.  I hate breaking promises that I’ve made to myself or anyone else and, in all seriousness, I have managed to keep 99% of the promises I’ve made.  It goes without saying that I don’t make a promise unless I’m serious about keeping it.  But I effed this one to the up.

My husband knows what I did, I wrote him a letter and told him because I felt so horrible about it.  (Thank everything that is holy for prophilactics.)  He wrote back and said that he "wasn’t sure" how to feel about me sleeping with someone else, but that he figured he deserved it for screwing me over so badly in the world of finances.  He said that he still loves me and wants to try to make it work…

So here I am, feeling backed into a wall and shooting nervous glances side to side, looking for an out.

I want to make it work, too, at least part of me does.  The other part wants to write it off like nothing ever happened, like I never even met him, and just get the hell on with my life.

I know for certain that I want to talk this down with him, face-to-face.  I also know for certain that I want to make love with him again…but I don’t know how he’ll be able to touch me and not think about another man running his hands over my skin.

My life is just all feeling very up in the air at the moment.  In all honesty the only events I am 100% looking forward to right now are the back-to-back Blue October concerts next weekend.  Hopefully they will give me the strength to make it through this never-ending ordeal…at least for a little while longer.

(edit: ok, seriously?  It auto-edited out all of my words?  What the hell OD.  I THOUGHT I WAS FREE TO SPEAK MY MIND IN HERE. hmmm maybe it’s a setting.  I’ll have to fiddle with things.)