The return

I can honestly say I never thought OD would be back. Now that it is, I actually struggled with whether or not to actually resume things where I left off. Nostalgic me 100% wants to be here, but adult me is wondering if it’s so smart to still have an open diary in the age of doxxing. How sad that something I once loved so much now gives me apprehension.

But, of course, nostalgia won out. (I mean, have you read this diary?) And naturally, I am more than happy to fork money over to a service that was so special to me during my formative years. Because that’s a thing I have now. I don’t know if I’ll write much, or if it’ll just be every couple of years, but at least I’ll know this little haven is here.

Real talk, I’ve had a rough couple of years. In the spring of 2016, some serious depression and anxiety hit. I’ve had some success with mindfulness and medication, but it’s been much more of a roller coaster than I could’ve ever imagined. Why is it that anxiety can actually get worse as you age? I don’t remember ever having this level of issue when I was young. How is that I can have so many of the things I always wanted for myself and yet feel like I’m not in control of my emotions?

To be honest, half the time I’m not sure if I’m being gaslighted or if I really am so maladjusted. And that’s fucking scary. Not being able to pinpoint which thing it is makes you feel even more crazy than you already are.

Here’s the thing: I’m a crier. I’ve always been a crier. It just doesn’t take a lot to make me cry. But when you combine that with depression and anxiety, sometimes do you don’t know if the crying is just your normal response to something, or whether it’s actually worse and something you should fix. During my first job (a billion years ago), my first boss told me that I should just embrace that facet of my personality. And so I stopped working so hard to try and “fix” it. But now… is it impacting my ability to grow in my job? I hate how easily I cry – especially at work – but… is it even fixable?

And then I start questioning all my life choices. The job I have is demanding, and… I’m pretty good at it, or at least many facets of it, but I’m not great at it. For years I was convinced this was the only thing I should be doing with my life. That no other career would be right for me. Now, though, I’ve started questioning even that. Maybe I shouldn’t have a career in a thing that forces me to engage with business politics and juggling multiple stakeholders. I don’t know. I just don’t know and that just doesn’t help.

Anyway, for anyone else struggling with mental health and straight-up anxiety-fueled mass confusion, be kind to yourself and know that there are others out here.

xox
(indecision)