Where do I go from here…

I was right.

 

Though, I really wish I hadn’t been.

 

With the way things gave been going lately, I really needed something to make me feel good, to make me feel important, to make me feel like I mattered.

 

And what did he have to say?

"You deserve so much more than I can do for you…" and therefore, he did nothing. I got a "Happy Birthday" at 12:05 and that was the end of it.

 

I was so hurt.

 

It’s not that I think birthdays are the most important thing and if I didn’t get a big present or a special celebration than nothing else matters. It’s more about the fact that he never does anything to make me feel special so I was hoping that this would be the one situation in which he would.

 

We spent Friday fighting because of it, and I spent a large part of my birthday yelling or crying.

 

He finally admitted to it, though. He acknowledged that for some reason he is able to call his kids on a daily basis (twice a day, usually) to tell them he loves them and see how they’re doing but there is something holding him back from being that affectionate with me.

 

It is so hard. I already feel like I come last, after kids and work, and this just makes it even worse. For four years I have been telling him that things need to improve because I am not willing to or able to continue like this, without the emotional connection and intimacy that I need but it never improves in the way that it needs to.

It gets better for a day or two and then goes back to the way things are and at this point I just don’t know what to do…