The land of pure imagination…

Here’s something I wrote a few weeks ago…it’s not completely real, yet not completely made up. It’s a combination of what really exists, versus what I see there. Grab a drink, put your feet up and enjoy the short read…

She stood off to the side watching them all together. With her hand attempting to shade her eyes from the sun, she could make out little of the details of the people by the wall. She wasn’t looking at all of them, though, she only had eyes for one member of that posse. He stood within the circle, always the center of attention. His charming personality and ever ready smile were what put him there constantly. She remained silent, detached from the crowd that she never felt a part of. She kept staring from a short distance away, noticing the amused glint in his eye and the enthusiasm in his gestures. He always felt so strongly and deeply about everything and it was obvious to the naked eye. That was just one more thing that made everyone desire and need him all at once.

She lowered her hand to the ground and lifted her purse as she turned to walk away. No one noticed her departure as she made her way to the other side of the enclosure. She unsnapped the shiny, silver clasp on the bag. Everything she needed to remind herself of what she had and was worth, was within hand’s reach in the depths of her designer handbag. Grasping onto it for dear life, she tried to put the sound of his voice out of her mind. Pulling out a single cigarette, she lit it as if it was the last thing she’d ever do. She took a long drag, willing the smoke to consume her and block out the pain of loss she felt within her, yet resigned to the fact that it would dissipate within a moment. The smoke of course, not the pain.

"Why do I let this happen?" She berated herself continuously. "Why can’t I ever just keep away from what I can’t have? And why, oh why, do I want it so damn much?"
The saltiness of the tears dripping down her face, mingled with the tar flavored nicotine only succeeded in making her feel more lost and lonely than ever.
"I can’t have him, I can’t have him, I can’t have him," she repeated like a mantra, over and over again, hoping it would sink in. "I know I can’t have him and I’ve never really even gotten close enough, so why do I feel like I’ve lost the best friend I could ever have and a chance for love, all at once?"
She gazed off into space, rethinking all of their moments together and analyzing every word they had ever shared. The meaning of each laugh, the significance behind every smile, the definition of each look. She wanted them all to mean the same to him as they did to her. She hated the wondering, the questions and the doubts that always followed.
He had someone else. That was the bottom line. So then, why did he make her feel so special, that when they were together there could be no one else? What power made her feel like the only one he could ever want, the only one he could ever love?
She mashed the stub of her cigarette under the heel of her right sneaker while exhaling on her last breath of smoke. Clutching her handbag for dear life, and with one final look over her shoulder at the five o’clock shadow hiding his dimples, she slowly walked away.