There’s nothing worse than…

I better you’re all wondering what the end of that sentence is…well, if you really want to know…there’s nothing worse than condemning your children to live a life of the same hell you went through yourself…i’ll explain…I see my father’s actions and realize that he grew up with it as a child and is just acting the way he saw his father act…don’t get me wrong, i’m not excusing it or anything of the sort…au contraire, I hate him for it…I hate him for making me feel like nothing and for only paying attention to me when he wanted to relieve his anger and frustrations…I hate him for ruining my siblings and I…I hate him for what he’s liable to do to my younger siblings and my mother, for that matter once I leave…I hate him for ruining us all…I was in the car with my mother last night and I told her very clearly, exactly as i’m writing it now, that if I were to think for a second that I was too influenced by my father and that any of my actions or reactions were to be similiar to his I would choose to live a childless life so as not to put my children through the torture I was put through…I also told her that just like they say that subconsciously a woman looks for a man like her father( i.e. women who grew up with abusive fathers end up marrying abusive husbands) i’d rather live my life alone than trap myself to a man anything like my father…Its funny, the entire world thinks my father is the most amazing person on earth and never stops telling me how wonderful he is…it makes me doubt the integrity of every person I meet…if they act like an asshole when I meet them-then I think they’re an asshole…and if they act wonderfully when I meet them-I wonder if behind closed doors they’re just like my father…a hidden asshole…with his arms open to the world and his heart shut to his family…