Typing

I like to type things on the computer more so than to actually write them. On here, you can’t read handwriting and I can keep a part of myself detached so that it doesn’t feel real. The illusion, its what I thrive to keep going.

That brings me to an interesting point, the illusion. You hurt me, I swore that losing him almost killed me and that I wouldn’t let that happen, so voicing it aloud would keep it from being real. And then it all came to a head, with that small conversation. So now I have to act as though nothing you said hurt me or that nothing you thought about me was true. So much isn’t, I think that it is rather ironic that you cast me to crimes that I haven’t commited and miss those I have.

You swear that I haven’t let you in, or that you are sick of being at arms length, you were right there the whole time, you didn’t know it. You are right…Your apartment, bathroom, life. I am nothing but a passing bag or figure. No one will remember me and no one has to.

The things you said, and the things you think, well I’m sorry, I am me and if that doesn’t please you then oh well. But what really makes me laugh is that you say I give up way to easily, yet when the first arguments happen and the first patch or trouble you are ready to define things then and that is all there is to it. I think that is selling everything and everyone short. So it isn’t me that is giving up, I’m protecting myself and picking up the pieces, because like everyone else you are walking away at the first sign of trouble. And that is fine at least now I know how you are, and I know not to expect anything from you.

How can I describe this….I have been in love with love. Been in love with the idea or image I have made of someone. But I love you, all of you, when everyone said I was crazy and that nothing would ever come of it. I love you. I drove 10 hours just to see you smile. But if you want to walk away thats fine, I can walk away too. But I’m better at it, I’ve had more practice.

You push me away, yet you tell everyone its over. How dare you tell someone else that I am fair game and then sleep with me. How dare you tell everyone that its over, and then pretend that everything is fine at the alley, how can you act like that just to make sure I wouldn’t leave early??

You can touch me, kiss me, do anything you wish, yet even you can see the wall. You can see the distance in my eyes. Its called fear, everyone heard it in my voice. I will not fight you, there is nothing to win and so I don’t want to try.

What I want is what you promised me and then decided that it was better left undiscussed. I want the house, the kids, the staying home at night. I want all of that. I want Gregory Lance and Michael Kieran, Emily Laurel. I want all that. I want to feel safe, everyday, like I do when I am with you or at your house. I want that feeling. I want you. You want more than you say and I want more than you think I do.

Well, promise isn’t a word I would use, we talked about it toyed with the idea, nothing ever set in stone, nothing tieing you to me…ironic.

I don’t want what my friends have, what do they have? I don’t want the parties, or the drinking…I don’t want to deal with the drama. I want someone who loves me and I want to love someone. I don’t care that they miss me, they will get over it, they will find someone who they can hang out with, I’m used and I know it. I just want to be happy. You make me happy, but don’t let yourself see that. I would move heaven and earth to make you happy and to make you see that I want you.

You talked as if we were over, the only thing that keep playing in my head was a simple phrase, “Over before we got started”.

Keep your dogtags, keep your uniform, keep your boots. Keep them, I don’t want them. I want nothing of yours if I don’t have you. Keep your pride, keep everything that will keep you warm at night. Whatever makes you happy. I will find what makes me happy. I can live on memories.

~~Much Love and Peace~~