New Motivation

On Saturday, I had to take my mini cooper in for service. The car is a mess, the back is strewn with my golf clubs, tennis rackets, and horseback riding gear. I’ve never been especially neat when it came to my car. It doesn’t help that  a mini doesn’t really have a trunk. I brought some knitting with me and my iPad(so i could watch some Netflix), expecting that I would have to sit for a few hours on the uncomfortable couch in the waiting room of Princeton mini. I instead want to be taken out for a test drive in one of those new, gorgeous 2 seater coups that just came out. It would be better than sitting around and knitting for 2 hours, I think. One of the service guys brings me over to a salesman, who promptly tells me that they only have 2 of those models there. One is on the floor and the other is a stick. Only the stick is available for test drive. I tell him that I don’t know how to drive stick, so this salesman gives  me the brush off and doesn’t try to talk me into trying another model. I was a little surprised, Frankly. What kind of car salesman doesn’t try to sell a car?

But I had my knitting waiting for me, so I went over to the waiting area and began knitting while watching "Felicity" on Netflix. Maybe a half an hour later, a very cute man walks passed me and goes straight for the coffee. He has dusty blonde hair and strikingly green eyes. Tall and thin, just like I like them. He’s wearing one of those black button down shirts with a mini logo that tells me he is a salesman. Unable to resist, I go over to the coffee area and I’m not sure who says hello first. I think I might have mumbled a hello. We talk a little bit about the coffee maker and the shortage of larger styrofoam cups. I tell him that I was hoping to test drive a new car, as the warranty for my current car is running out. I say that I was hoping to test drive one of the new models, but I love the mini in any format…I don’t know how we get to it, but I eventually ask him if he wouldn’t mind taking me on a test drive. He agrees and prepares one of the new 2012 models for me. 

We go on a test drive, and I am having a wonderful time. In truth, the new mini drives exactly like my current one. It feels exactly the same, which is funny, considering that this one is brand spanking new. I can’t help it, I’m attracted to the salesman, whose name is Kyle, by the way. Yes, he’s only a car salesman and on paper I am out of his league. But because of my body, he is out of my league. I have a college degree, a great career, I make six figures, I have my own place, a non-yappy dog, I can cook if I feel like it, I have a great family and I am not psycho or clingy. Yet, this guy, this car salesman who lived at home until last year is out of my league because I am a solid size 14 and If i had to guess, this guy is maybe a 32 (guy sizes). 

So, despite the fact that we "clicked", I know I cannot expect to hear from him, unless it is regarding a car sale. Really??? So, in a fit of "I feel pathetic enough", I text my ex/current fuck buddy and see if he can "play". I was invited to a "mini"rally, which i agreed to go to the next day,

Even though Joe(my ex) is 27 and graduated college only last year, and will probably never really amount to anything, I feel like he is out of my league, too. He is attractive and I am fat. Well, pudgy. Even I wouldn’t say that I am fat. I can still shop at normal clothing stores. I feel like you can’t say you’re truly fat until you have to shop at one of those size 16 and up stores. 

Joe, in fact, does make time to have a go. At around 4AM he comes into my apartment, climbs into bed and we have rediculously passionate sex for 4am. He spent the night and when we woke up a few hours later, we had sex again. He left almost the second we finished. Why I keep sleeping with him, I am not exactly sure. But it did make me feel better, and I am passed the point of re-living old hurts from our relationship and am just grateful that I am having sex with someone during this single-stage of my late twenties. 

I dress a little slutty for the mini-rally that day. I wear a mini-skirt (my legs are one part of me that aren’t fat), a pair of slouchy grey leather boots and a loose fitting black cashmere sweater. After a few hours of driving, we arrive at a winery in East Windsor…I didn’t realize we even had winerys in new jersey, and a salesman (not kyle…kyle wasn’t there) hits on me the whole time I am there. However he doesn’t ask for my number and I am stung by this….Even though this salesman is cute, not as cute as Kyle, 30 and divorced, and only so-so and i am out of his league on paper, though even he is out of my league by looks, i am still stung by this slight of a firm handshake and a "hope to see you again" kiss off as a good-bye. 

On my way home from the rally, after stopping the craft store for some more yarn, I order a large margaritta pizza and watch something borrowed on my xbox. I am afraid that this is how i might spend the rest of my nights once i’m past the age of thirty. Alone, watching movies and knitting. day after day, year after year. 

This morning, I wake up and go to work. I am craving a bacon egg and cheese sandwich. And as soon as I set up my computer, I go downstairs to order it from the cafeteria. But at the last minute, i decide to only have egg whites and turkey bacon instead of real bacon. I subsitute in an english muffin for a roll. Something inside me, apparently did not like the treatment i got from these boys and is rebelling against my hunger urges.

Isn’t that something?

As I am walking back from the cafeteria, I hazily remember back to when I was losing weight with that diet pill company. 90 minutes of exercise seemed to be the key. A little bit of muscle toning helped, but that was the big key. I could use weight watchers to track my food to make sure I am not going overboard, but can I do 90 minutes of exercise? Yes, I can. 

When i am thin, Kyle, Joe or that other guy (Joel?) would not be out of my league. Even though I am chunky, I do have a pretty face. This is the time when i should be finding my future husband, isn’t it? Where I’ll meet a nice guy and he’ll take me away from my dull single life and introduce me to dull married life, where the quiet after work knitting and watching movies will be but a happy memory. 

I don’t want to settle. In fact, i’m pretty sure that I am incapable of settling, because I have had the opportunity to do so before and just couldn’t bring myself settle for less than I wanted, even if those men were more than i deserved. 

I can do this. I must. I will. 

90 minutes of exercise 5 days a week (it’s not necessary on weekends because I run around so much), strictly adhere to weight watchers. 2 days per week of 20 minutes….Maybe that will be on the weekends. We’ll see how we do. 6 weeks to highschool reunion. I can probably lose 10 pounds. That would put me at about 150, but its better than being 160.