My Exhaustion

Weight: I have no idea. Seriously. I hopped onto my supposedly amazingly accurate scale, and it said 126. I’d love to believe it, but i didn’t amputate a leg this morning. There is another fairly accurate scale in my parents room, but it’s 5am…so I’ll have to wait to give you the weight…

A lot has happened over the past week. I’ve kept wanting to write, but when i finally got around to it, I just couldn’t think. Shall I start from the last time we spoke? I think I shall.

Wednesday was a very busy day. Wednesday was my first day of therapy, my boyfriends birthday, and the day my elliptical machine finally came.

Therapy, I arrived at my therapy session right on time, which is odd for me because i have a perchant for underestimating the time it takes me to get anywhere, and am therefore constantly late.  So I went into the session and I tried to be as honest as I could with Dr. S. I don’t know why i mentioned it, but i told him about my secret love of analyzing mythbusters and dreaming up the perfect murder. Obviously, I would never actually kill someone, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming up the cleanest of murders. But in the end, I really don’t think there is one. the only way to get away with murder is if you hav absolutely nothing to do with the person being murdered. its that whole, "strangers on a train" bit. Anyway, its not like i visualize it, i just watch law and order and think, "how would i not get caught?" One thing I never understood is how many women kill there husbands over infidelity on that show. of all the stupid reasons. I mean hello? we live in the 21st century…divorces are probably going to be offered by McDonalds soon. A guy cheats on you, you dump him, you get some ice cream and cookie dough, watch either pride and predjudice or bridge jones’s diary…or harry met sally, and you get over it. I may not be thin and beautiful, but i know we deserve more. Or maybe I’ve just been spoiled by Joe.

We talked about Joe, too. I talked about how maddening it was that he didn’t converse with me…I didn’t get into our sex life…i feel like that would be best saved for another day. Dr. S wasn’t exactly surprised that it drove me nuts. He said that i had a highly analytical mind and having someone to talk to seeemed really important to me. He suggested that maybe if i give joe more opportunities to speak, that might help. the only thing is that joe and i are constantly surrounded by ambient noise. TV, TV on computer, CD’s radio. My old car had this deffense mechanism. If the battery went dead, the radio would be unusable until you entered a code. it was a theft deterent. however, the last owner of my saturn gave me a faulty code, so for a year i was without a radio in my car. Eventually, i took the car to the dealer and they sorted me out. still, i got used to talking in the car…even if i was just talking to myself. 

But, I guess here, I can talk about my sex life somewhat without reproach. Joe and I have sex maybe once or twice a week depending on availability and timing. I want it to be much more. But joe is occaisionally turned off by my aggression. If he’s up for it, he’ll respond, we’ll have sex and I’ll be on cloud nine for the evening. If he’s not up for it…well there is nothing I can do. Thing is, I have a heavy sexual appetite, and once or twice a week for me just isn’t enough. I’m convinced this weight loss thing would be easier if I were having sex everyday. I’m not talking simply about orgasms. orgasms feel completely different without the deed itself. I think it has to do with pheremones or something.  either way, Joe puts me into a coma nearly every time. it might be because he’s so beautiful. He has this tall dark and handsome thing going on. i’m not kidding. he’s 6’4" and thin but not skinny. He’s got runners legs and firm bicepts…no chest muscles, really, but who cares about that? i don’t want a guy with nicer cleavage than me. he’s got one of those V waists. Everytime Iook at him I can’t help but think about how gorgeous he is. Most of our communication is non-verbal, when we watch a movie, if we find something rediculous, we might exchange a bemused glance. It’s been two and a half years. I want to understand my boyfriend already.

Anyway, after the therapy session, I went to best buy and bought joe his birthday present. Joe is obsessed with best buy. When i asked him what he wanted, he said a gift certificate. for the record, I was raised better than that. I don’t like getting people gift certificates. its a horribly impersonal gift. But, thats what he wanted. So, I bought him a gift certificate and a copy of gone with the wind. Joe and I watched a special on the top100 movies and gone with the wind was very highly rated, so he mentioned that he wanted to see it. But, I know my boyfriend. He would never spend 29 dollars on an old movie when 29 dollars could be spent on a video game. I knew that if I didn’t get it for him, no one would. Just incase, i gave him the gift receipt, so he can trade it in and get something he’d want more. His birthday was very nice. His parents had a dinner for him, and his mom made him fried fish, joes favorite. but his nephew came over(he’s about to turn 2)…and eventually the supposed birthday party became all about his nephew. I think I might have been the only one to notice. Joes parents seem to always neglect him just a little. though everyone else in the family is outspoken, joe is very quiet.  Anyway, after dinner, we took joe to a bar, got him slightly drunk, then went back to our friend apt. I had to stay sober to drive.

I did a very stupid thing yesterday, by the way. I told him tha he should plan whatever he wants to do for valentines day. I simply said that if i planned it and he had a lousy time, he would blame me for his lousy time, so he should plan it. I have a feeling that was the wrong thing to do.

When I got home from Joes birthday celebration,  I put together the elliptical which finally came in the mail. When they said, "some assembly required," they really weren’t kidding. The construction was very tedious, and aside from a few socket wrenches, there were no tools included, but tools were certainly needed. The good thing, is that I am not some bimbo. I am actually quite good at putting things together and I have a good knowledge of tools and small constructions. Putting the damn thing together took a ton of time, but I feel certian that I couldn’t have done much better. I’ve used it everyday since, and I have to say, having an elliptical at home is much better than using that stupid edge. the resistance, even at the lowest level is giving me a run for my money, and my heart rate is evidence that it is doing something. I’m sure i’m going to have to turn up the resistance eventually, but for now, the lowest setting is working out fine. The calorie counter….well, I don’t think its accurate. it seems very generous to me. I don’t think that I could possibly be burning 1000 calories per two hours. but even if that isn’t the case, the therapist said that excercise seems to be a good therapy as well. and that i believe. last night, I came home and used the thing for two hours…during the new episodes of psych and monk. i have to say, after i got off the thing, I wanted a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich

. (organic peanutbutter is actually great for you….though high in calorie, it also has a lot of healthy fat and is high in dietary fiber)…I also had a fruit salad and some hot cocoa, which i added some fiber to. After that, the most remarkable thing happened, I passed out from exhaustion.

What is so amazing about passing out from exhaustion? well, I’m an insomniac, for one. I can’t fall asleep no matter what  I try. So, for me to fall asleep before 6am is incredible. I fell asleep last night at midnight. There is nothing in this world more wonderful than being able to sleep when you’re tired. That may not seem like the most incredible thing…but to me, who can never sleep because of the thoughts in my head, the ability to fall asleep early in the night seems like a blessing.  I know…I’m weird.