Pour the salt…

Into the open wound, and let it burn. And when it stops burning, then you know it is somewhat healed. Or so I think. I have gone out on the limb for as far as I can possible go. I am unsure of what to do this time around. I keep getting closer and closer to the forbidden apple, but the branch that i am standing on isn’t going to hold out much longer. I hate to write things in riddles, but I have nothing to gain, and much to lose so why not do it.

I talked to Promise tonight. It had been a long while. Its always nice to have one friend that you can count on. You always have to have that one friend, whom sees you as who you really are. Who does not judge you for wanting to jump off the bridge, or for wanting to trade all that you have for one thing. A friend who will always listen to you, and give you thier point of view. And to sprinkle a little wisdom here and there. Its funny, cause I managed to bring her to tears. How it sucked when I heard her voice break up, and the sobbing. I never knew that I had that in me, but I did tonight. Told her karma was a mother, and what I had done to her in the past was now happeing to me. I told her everything. Down to the last detail. Didn’t really change things, cause I wanted to make sure, I was not the only one thinking that way I was. It was funny, cause for the most part, she was finishing the sentences for me. Like she knew xactly what was going thru my pretty little head. I xpained in as much detail as I could, what I had been told, what I had read, and even shared some notes that people had left for me with her. She told me, that I needed to get a grip and come to realize that I was right. That what I was thinking and had shared with her, was almost about what she was thinking. I said, well now that we both understand what the problem is, what do I do. SHe gave me to senerios, both of which would be no problem on my part doing. But still one turns out the good way, and the other has a 50/50 ratio of ending up good or bad. I am stuck once again, without a way out. I keep thinking the bad thoughts again. The things that I know I should not think about , cause well they are not good. But there is so much evidence there for me not to think this way. Everything that I come up with, has some sort of trail of evidence, that might or might not be true, but still hurts me to think about it. One major thing above all has bothered me, and it will continue to bother me until the day I find out why it was done. And no it isn;t the fact that she does not want to meet me. That subject done came and went. It was a note that was left for me, that kinda cleared that up a little, and then her last entry really finished it off, so I now know why she turned the tables and wanted to come down and meet me. But that is all in the past. Have I given up hope..hate to say it but yes. I know its hard to give up without much off a fight, but oh well. I can’t go on like this any more. If friends is what she wants to be, then friends it is. More than friends, i do not think so, not any more. I have to many doughts. To many questions. I am done with the fighting, I am done with the ups and downs. I am done with trying to make something work, when it is not even broken. All that is going to end up broken is my heart. Why the change from one day to the other you ask. Its not cause of what Promise told me, or the reader that left me the note…Its cause I have decided to stop playing your game. Those walls that you created, you did them for a reason. Then you step back and say after seven years you are going to drop them, just at the right time, when me and you are getting no where…If I am wrong, I am wrong…If I lost without putting up a better fight…atleast I can walk out of this a better man…I have learned from my mistakes..You might go to the grave thinking that you have nothing to hide..but in my eyes, there is something that you are hiding. Not sure what it is, and even if I told her don’t think she would admit to it. Something stopped all this we  had going…and I don’t really want to find out what it was. I just know that it is there, and I don’t want to wait for it to move. I am offically done~~

Goodnight

Jp.