Okay. Okay?

So, things are getting back to normal.  Except they’re not.  I mean, yes, we go about our normal lives and do our normal things, but I am not normal.  I am not the same and I never will be.  Not with him.  I told him I wouldn’t be for a long time; and while the outside shows that I am – inside, I’m definitely not.  I hate that I think back through my life and remember how many dates I didn’t get – and wonder if it’s because I’m not who I thought I was.  I hate that I got sick at the beginning of last week and I know it was from the stress of the previous weekend when the entire conversation went down.  I hate that I don’t eat lunch anymore because I pretty much have no appetite anymore and when I do eat, it’s dinner and it’s because I’m literally starving at that point.  I hate that I’m self-conscious when we’re just sitting around his house watching TV.  I hate that everytime we walk somewhere, if he falls behind for some reason, I worry that he’s looking at me thinking, "Thank God we’re walking…she needs to lose that."  I hate that every single girl I pass on the street, I look at her and wonder if he’d always prefer "her" over me.  I hate that I wonder if he’s so shallow that he doesn’t even take the important stuff into consideration when having (or not having) an attraction to me.  I hate that I use the term "the important stuff" because it didn’t used to be "important" and now, apparently, it is.  I hate that every time we eat together, I worry that he’s looking at my plate thinking I have way too much food on it (and it’s usually less than what he has – I know because I’m the one cooking it).  I hate that, on the one hand, he tells me I’m amazing because I can walk in a kitchen, spend 20 minutes and walk out with something he’s never heard of before; but on the other, he said what he said two weeks ago.  I hate that he’s not exactly a beanpole – not like he used to be (he’s not obese or anything), but he had the nerve to say to me that men don’t like it when women gain weight.  I hate that I have, for the first time in a long time, a beaten-down, broken spirit.  I hide it with laughter and smiles and I go about my business and I’m friendly and I do what I do.  But deep down inside, when I really think about it, I am broken.

I thought I was a diamond, but turns out, I’m not much more than crystal.