“We Also Don’t Like it that You’re Fat.”

This weekend, I was deeply hurt by one of the people in my life I trust the most.  I’ve never, in my life, felt unpretty, but ever since Thursday night, I feel very, very unpretty.

Thursday night, in the car, on the way to a baseball game, this person and I were listening to Tom Lykis on the radio (Radio personality – huge bastard).  Two women called in (at different times) and explained their relationship woes to Tom and the first thing he says is:

"Mhm.  How tall are you, dear?"
"Um…about 5’6""
"And how much do you weigh?"
"Honestly?  160."
"So, 170."
"No, 160."
"Well, that’s your problem right there."

This sparked a heated conversation between the passenger and myself about weight and attractiveness.  To which, I eventually explained that I understand that most men are more frustrated with the idea of their significant other not having a desire to better themselves when a few extra pounds are put on.  His answer?

"Right.  But we also don’t like it that you’re fat."

We had a long email talk the next day and I told him that I didn’t want to see him for awhile because he’s a completely different person to me now.  He got all upset and asked me if I really wanted this "relationship" to take the direction of lonliness and solitude.  I explained that it wasn’t forever, but that I need some time to think over things.

That might have been a mistake because I can’t let it go.  We drove to church separately this morning, and I didn’t want to sit with him.  I needed time.  I needed time to just sit in church and be alone and not be nervous about sitting next to someone I wasn’t ready to see yet.  And he sat with me.

Then we ran into each other while doing laundry this afternoon.  We talked online for a while and I was okay.  We had originally planned to picnic tomorrow night at a park…and I was okay with that idea again.  But then, tonight, I had to run down to his place to get my cooking spray and it was the last time I saw him today….and for some reason, when I got back upstairs, I lost it.  I don’t know if I am ready to spend time with him again.  But I also know that if we stay apart, it’ll just get more and more awkward.

Thing is – he can’t take it back.  No man can ever take that back.  It’s an insecurity that most women have anyway, but when someone verbalizes the idea that they could become completely unattractive to their significant other, it takes away the chance of ever building that confidence up.  Every wish that a woman has that the one person who finds her irresistable does so because it’s an inner glow she has – it’s something unexplainable that attracts him to her.  And when something like this is said, it confirms her worst fears and there’s no way to change it…nothing fixes it.

I know I quote Friends a lot and I’m a Friends freak…but the writers were always so good about applying real life to the show and the one thing that keeps going through my brain is when Rachel says to Ross, "Imagine the worst things you think about yourself.  Now imagine that one of the people you trust most in the world, not only thinks so too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you."

And that’s what plays over and over and over in my head.