I need some kind of outlet…

I. Am. Going. Insane.

I really am.. I don’t know why. I’m a completely different person, with a completely different life. But I want to be this one person again. I want to be this one with self control, with friends, this person who people think is cool and nice and a normal life, no matter how untrue it is. People used to think that. Now, it’s completely different.

I used to have people look up to me, I used to have people actually call me to hang out and just to talk. Now, it’s Joe. I love him, don’t get me wrong. Two years and a month [in two days], He’s there for me no matter what, takes me yelling at him and has me take everything out on him. I don’t understand how he does it, but I am grateful. He’s the only one who has been there nonstop. And Craig, but I was mainly sticking to NY people. Craig cheers me up constantly, has gotten me addicted to the thing I do nonstop now. I would be lost without him.

Family. Hm. My mother yells at me for stuff my sister does. My brother and sister are dicks. We’re moving soon. I’m going to college in a month so I’ll be away from them most of the time, which will be nice. But until then, it’s like, I can’t do anything right. My sister does it all. Yup. Um, no. She makes messes for us to clean. Occasionally she cleans it herself. Otherwise, it gets me in trouble. And I’m the one who doesn’t do anything for her. Woww, no. My brother only does something with the new house. Not the apartment. No one else walks the dogs, feeds them, or anything. Just me and my mother. Mostly me. My mom walks them in the morning. I get the afternoon, evening, and night walks. It’s a pain to. Then if I try to argue I get bitched at. And my mom tells me, “Your brother walks them when he gets home from work.” And I’m like, no he doesnt. Because I’m home sometimes when he doesn’t know. And he doesn’t. And no one believes me. I love how me, the straight A, SITHS graduate, who is going off to SUNY Albany next year, is the one who isn’t trusted. The one who has never gotten into trouble. As opposed to the one who acts like a five year old, or the one who got brought home by the cops sometimes. Does this make sense? I sit by myself when I’m at home. I don’t make a mess. Wow, I put a glass on the table. I’m drinking it. I just can’t take how much I feel like an outsider…I miss my father…

People. I don’t know what’s up with them. They’re so..fickle. Seriously, I’ve spoken to one of them since school let out. And she’s in Greece now. The others…Do I, one of the few who has been loyal to each of them, get any contact at all? Nope… I just get left in the dark. Told, “Oh, I don’t have any time to hang out until this day.” Then I find out that every day they’ve been with people. Seaside, Jersey, Dorney Park, Great Adventures, City, random other stuff. Honestly, do they think that I don’t know what goes on? And I know they just wake up and call each other. And that day I was supposed to see them? They went to Seaside. So honestly, what should I think? Even my roommate next year… I haven’t spoken to her in a month… I honestly cannot take it. Especially because next time I talk to any of them it’s going to be expected to be all normal. I’m not normal with them. And if I complain, guess what? “Oh stop overreacting.”

College. College, college college. Hm. My mother doesn’t care about my college education. Not even joking. I’m the only one in the whole family who is leaving for college. And I’m supposed to do things like financial aid. And parental stuff. Do I know the family income? No. I don’t even know if I want to go. I’m nervous about making new people. My appearance is horrible, no one is going to like me. Or at least I fear that. I met a bunch of people already, but it didn’t click. I felt it, though I acted like I fit in. But it’s not like they called me or messaged me or anything after that meeting. I have orientation tomorrow. I have to be up in about two hours. I don’t think I’m sleeping tonight. I get to go meet people. Score. Not. And stay over in the dorms. I don’t know, I’m just nervous. I don’t want to not fit in. I’ve been lonely enough lately, it’s just really annoying. I want people to like me.

I eat. I hate eating. I want to be like I was when I originally wrote in this diary. I want to be anorexic again, and lose a lot of weight. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. People say I don’t look the weight I am, but I see it. I’m around 225 pounds. I’m 5’6″. And I am between a size 16 and 18. I cannot stand this. I’m so self concious, I have such low self confidence. I know, I have a boyfriend who loves me. I don’t need to impress anyone. But I need to impress myself. I hate going out without a longer sleeve on but with the 90 degree whether we’ve been having here, I can’t. I love the feel of being sick from lack of food. I honestly do. It makes me feel so much healthier. I just don’t have the control anymore to not eat. I’ve been conditioned into it. Last summer I just gave up everything and just ate. After that, it’s so hard to give it up again. I want to just not eat in college. I want to lose weight. I want to come back and stun everyone. I don’t care if I am rib skinny. I just want to be skinnier. Like, a size ten. That would be nice. Twelve even. If i could get down to that I’d be happier with myself. I just can’t. I’m so tired lately. Absolutely exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. My “sleep” doesn’t feel like anything. It just sorta is a time waster. And I’ve been really nauseas and headachey. I don’t know. I can’t stand it. Not this kind of sick.

My childhood has approximately ten days till it dies. The last Harry Potter book. We [Joe and I] saw the fifth movie today. I cried quite a few times. That was a thing that my dad and I did every year. I just was like…it’s not him sitting next to me. I am happy that Joey came with me and I got to spend time with him. It was just different. I don’t know. And the book is going to be so hard to read knowing that after I finish, my father won’t be there to take it and read it during work or whenever he has time and come home and discuss it. It’s the last book. After it, I’m an adult. I don’t have anything else to look forward to as a child. I hate it. Most of my childhood has already been taken away. This was saving it.

My inner geek has been coming out lately. Computers, games, 1337, everything like that. Programming. Gaia. Wii. All that stuff. It’s just really weird.

I don’t think anyone has read this much. If you did, wow. Thanks. I just really needed somewhere to write and talk about what’s going through my mind. Maybe I’ll come back here once in awhile.

¢¾ Laura