still alive …ish

i miss having time to write.

i miss having time to think.

i miss having kalen confined to a pen of some sort, rather than everywhere all the time.

i miss having one kid to get through the day instead of two (desmond is now with us full-time.)

i miss having no kids instead of one, actually, if i am being completely honest.

i miss missing andrew. there was something about those early days, which was comforting even when it was hard and sad. it was nice to know how much i was capable of loving another person. to feel it every minute of every day.

i miss marco. even though he’s right here, asleep. lately it feels like one of us is always asleep. like we are in the habit of being together without being close. that’s the right way to feel when planning a wedding, right?

i miss not having to navigate the dicey politics of wedding parties and guest lists.

furthermore, i miss the days i thought this wedding was to be about me and marco. foolish, i know…

most of all, i miss opendiary. i am too far behind in all the lives i care about, and tomorrow i have a 10 am dress fitting with marco’s 6 aunts, his mom and grandmother.

sigh…