back from retirement

So, when last we met, dearest diary, I had found out I was pregnant. I had yet to tell Marco and things were very much up in the air.

Goes to show how much can change in just a matter of months. And how they can still be very much the same…

I seriously couldn’t believe it when i logged on and saw that my last entry was in November. Of course I knew what the last entry said, and I guess I subconsciously wanted to avoid seeing those words and having to revisit that moment in time. So I steered clear of open diary. But I miss the clarity that has always come from keeping this diary. I miss my favorites and I miss the comfort of knowing that you are out there, "listening."

so here is the cliffs notes version of the last 6 months:

i was petrified of telling marco, not because i thought he wouldn’t be happy, but because i was scared that i wouldn’t be. but, even as i wrote in my last entry about how i was overwhelmed by all the plans a baby would change, i was excited. as unlikely as we all thought it was, i am pretty good at this parenting stuff. i actually even kinda like it. my biggest fear was becoming one of those one-track minded people, obsessed only with her kids and their lives. it was the note of a favorite that assuaged that worry. the reality is that one kid or 15, i am never going to be the mom who sits around talking about poopy diapers and nipple chaffing. i won’t ever stop wanting an identity separate from motherhood, and i am fortunate in that i have the ability to indulge that.

so, yeah, i was cool with it pretty quickly after that freak out. and once i told marco, he was, as expected, thrilled. not only because i really shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant again (or at all) but because he truly wanted to be a father. i cried, he cried, kalen cried, though i would be willing to bet that was mostly coincidental. it was sweet. and we were happy.

but happiness, as i have learned in my 25 years, is fickle, always shifting. you can be happy one day, and the next it is just gone. it’s the same with pregnancies. many of my friends here on OD are no stranger to that particular reality, even I am acquainted with it. And yet, no matter how much of an expert i want to believe i am where loss is concerned, it still kicks my ass every time. i was 22 weeks in when it happened. up until then my pregnancy had been what all my friends deemed average. i had found it to be difficult. i was sick a lot more than i had been with kalen, i was a lot more exhausted, my body just felt different this time around. my friends assured me that it was all normal, pointed out that perhaps i didn’t notice these things with kalen because i had A LOT going on at that point. my doctor said it was fine and that every pregnancy is different. and then in the course of 2 days i went from bad to worse, from pregnant to not.

it’s been about a month and a half now, and calling it hard would be an understatement to say the least… i am still not really looking to get too in depth on the subject yet. i thought as i sat down here i would want to, but i just really don’t feel like it. i am sorry.

i will say that it’s been extremely hard on marco. i want to tell him how sorry i am all the time for my failure to do such a basic thing as carry a baby, but i wonder if it would even make a difference right now. i doubt i could even get through the first half of that apology. it’s a huge difference between us, i can’t bring myself to talk about it, and its all marco wants to talk about. as you might guess, it has been trying on our relationship.

also, he has asked me to marry him twice in the last year, and i said no both times, most recently around new years. that probably isn’t helping things.