Questions answered

I know a few of you have left me questioning notes regarding my whereabouts, and here I am! I’m going to answer those questions several of you sent me. I’m just answering them in the order they were received, just so you know.

1. Why are you keeping yourself distracted from writing? (I’m not sure if this was actually a question meant for this entry or a more general one,if there is a difference,but I thought it would be good to explain what was going on with me regardless)

Well, I’ve been feeling rather down lately. I’m stressed because I haven’t been able to find a job, and this has caused my bills to pile up pretty rapidly. I’m also sad because I feel like I should be doing something meaningful, but instead find myself applying at places like Office Depot and Kroger to get by. I don’t have the funds to pay my own bills (car payment, car insurance, credit card, etc.) let alone rent for an apartment that I shouldn’t have signed a lease to. I can’t help but take the employment rejections personally (though I know many people are having a hard time finding employment in Indiana right now), and thinking or talking about it makes me feel suffocated in a way with stress. I usually try to keep myself distracted by sleeping or watching shows online so that I don’t have to think, and writing on OD is stressful because it requires that I articulate my current situation and my feelings about it.

I know that I am still very lucky in some respects and don’t need to complain (I’m healthy, for instance, and my loved ones are just a phone call or e-mail away). I do wonder sometimes if I’m just the kind of person that will never be happy with their current situation and will always yearn for something more. I know I’ve spent years complaining about my financial situation, but this time it’s a bit different because I have NO income coming in and ignore calls from collections agencies daily.

2. Do you have any tattoos? If so where and what of? If not, what and where would your first one be?

No, I don’t have any tattoos yet. I have been thinking more and more about getting one though, even though some of my friends who have tattoos say I shouldn’t because they regret theirs. I have been wanting something on my side though (or, rather, my ribcage) for a while now. I’m not sure what I would want to get exactly, though I know it would be a short phrase that was meaningful or inspirational to me. But… yeah. I’m not ready to make that kind of commitment just yet.

3. If you had a time machine where you could visit any time, past or present, with the caveat that you could NOT change history, where/when would you go and why? Would you visit any philosophers?

I actually thought for a long time about this question. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but one of my favorite things to study has been Pre-Socratic philosophers in ancient Greece (around 550-500 BCE. Yes, that’s B.C.E, not B.C.). I would really enjoy hanging around Empedocles, Xenophenes, Thales and Anaximander, listening to the reasoning behind their worldviews while still maintaining the knowledge I have now.

Uh… I guess I would also want to hang out with Schopenhauer because he was sassy. Aside from hanging out with old philosophers, I would want to hang out with myself as a kid. Every few years I look back and realize that I wasn’t as lame/weird looking as I thought I was at the time, so I think I could gain some valuable insight. I think it’d be coo to hang out with my mom and dad when they were kids, too.

3. If you could poop any shape or object what would you poop?

This note was anonymous, though I’m pretty sure I know who left it.

I think I would like to poop regret or other negative emotions, though that doesn’t really count as a shape or object. If it did have to be a shape or object I think I would choose duckies or t-rexs (t-rexes?). That would be fun. This would be shape, not life-size object, of course.

4. They say Hindsight is 20/20 is there anything glaring at you, that you think, I really shouldn’t have done that.

Well, this is a difficult question to answer. I usually think that regret is a kind of poision that I shouldn’t let into my daily life, but certain things from the past can taste more or less bitter depending on my current situation.

With the way things are right now, for instance, I regret not going to New York. Sometimes I beat myself up about it, but I have to remember that I am only human and can only make decisions based on the information directly in front of me at the time. I’m sure that when I find a job this subject will cut a little less deeply.

A guess another thing is the way that I treat people sometimes. I hate gossip and treating people negatively, but I can sometimes get caught up in it. In San Jose I worked with girls (that I absolutely adored, by the way) who were negative and spoke poorly of other people. I let myself get caught up in it, but on the drive home I usually felt guilty. But again, that’s one of those things. I’m only human.  Past boyfriends count in this category too.

But yeah, the important thing is that I don’t let myself dwell on these things. I do the best I can in my day to day life, and am neither omniscient nor omnipotent. If I’m going to beat myself up about things that supposedly could have been, I’m nothing more than a bully to myself.

5. What do you want for Christmas?

My mom asked me this, so I guess I should answer to some extent.

I really just want one of those I-Pod adapter things I was talking about, a new Amnesty sweater (size M), or a gift card to Borders/Barnes and Noble/some other bookstore (there are many books I want and the list is constantly changing). I will send you an e-mail about anything else I find. Oh, if you happen to find a free box spring on Craig’s List you should secure it for me!

6. Do you want to have kids?

I’m not sure. The only person I could really see myself having kids with is Paul,  but that’s a situation that is pretty complicated right now. I do know that I’m absolutely in love with the name Milo though, and have decided that if I have boy/girl twins I will name them Milo and Molly.

7. What is your favorite book?

I read a lot and my tastes change all the time, but I think that my favorite book right now is All Quiet on the Western Front  by Erich Maria Remarque. Right now I’m reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and am enjoying it a lot, though I’m not religious. If any of you have read How We Are Hungry by Dave Eggers we should talk about how amazing the last story about the dog is.

8. Where did you go?

Again, this probably isn’t a question meant specifically for this entry. I will say, however, that I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. So it goes.

 

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