Decisions

So I think I have been in Indiana too long. I’m saying this because I am slowly losing my motivation to go to New York… I don’t want to start over again relationship-wise or move to another state alone. Plus I know it would be a LOT of hard work, and I’m not looking forward to dealing with it while feeling isolated like last time. I don’t really want to get stuck here though, and am not sure exactly what I would do if I stayed around. I know the woman at the Red Cross in Fort Wayne still wants to set up an interview with me, for next Wednesday… the same day I need to be in Rochester. So… ?

I don’t want to not do something just because I’m afraid of it sucking, and am afraid of being poor and isolated. I mean, those things would be offset by the fact that I would still be doing something meaningful. But at what point is it okay to not do something? What if I’m just not the type of person that should be moving around and crap? I can’t help but think (or try to think) about how the rest of my entire life will play out depending on the decision I make.

And yeah, I guess I do agree with the most basic of Existential concepts, so I know there is no "right" or "wrong" decision. We make our own meaning in life and everything isn’t planned out for us, so that’s a lot of freedom that’s also a huge amount of responsibility. Well, anyway. I know Renee is going to kill me for even considering sticking around!

So yeah, there’s that. Any thoughts?

So I just want to mention some other thing: I am terrible at crushes. If the dude reciprocates, I feel like I start acting like a stalker. Or, like, making excuses so I run into them. I guess that’s pretty normal, but I usually feel pretty silly about my behavior afterward and wish I could be calm and collected… aloof even! Yesterday Renee and I went to North Manchester to hang out with some people I didn’t see last time… Chad, Logan, Aaron, Steve… well, we ended up staying at Noah’s and I "accidentally" left my fan there that I let him borrow so I would have to go back sometime to pick it up. Suave! I think I’ve gained some of those coveted Awkward Points today… if you accumulate enough you get a terrible haircut and a pair of tattered underwear attached to the outside of your pants.

So yeah, sitting around the house makes me remember some reasons why this places used to/still does drive me mad. It all has to do with my stepdad. I know I talked about him much more frequently early on… well, when I still lived with him full-time. I guess that makes sense! I guess I’ve spent the past 5 years mostly out of the house… 4 at college, and 1-ish in California. Well, now this paragraph is just boring.

Oh yeah… the bar was okay last night, but I’m definitely over the whole "bar scene". Well, at least until there is fresh batch of people to hang out with (this doesn’t refer to Renee or Autumn of course!).

So yeah. Well, it’s Friday. I guess I should think of something to do or try to get my life sorted out.