Me stuff

It’s Sunday morning-ish and I have chai tea so I should probably update. I’ll divide this entry into sections so you can skip over the boring stuff. I’m going to admit that this is a self-centered entry… not the norm for Mother’s Day, but I’ve been talking to mom a lot lately and she knows how awesome she is! Plus I finally finished reading that book I want her to read, so I’ll send her package out tomorrow. My mind has just been cloudy for awhile now, and I’m in the process of sorting that out.

Work stuff: What I do

I’m so happy that it’s the weekend. I’m getting pretty drained at work; I not only realize that I haven’t had a day off in awhile, but that I’ve also never taken a sick day. I know Americorps isn’t technically a job, and I do love it for all of the differences it has from a regular job, but it is still pretty draining. I hate that my work ethic is taking a toll because of how tired I am of certain relationships in the office. I do really care about what I’m doing, and that makes it all the more frustrating when residents we are trying to help aren’t happy that we’re around.

I don’t know if street trees are such a big deal where you guys live.. heck, I had never even really thought of street trees until I started working here.

So you have a tree in the front of your house near the street. It’s your responsibility, but the city tells you what to put there and charges you if you don’t have a tree, prune your tree illegally, plant the wrong species, plant in the wrong location, or remove the tree without their permission. A standard fine is about $2,000, though it varies depending on the situation.

I spend all my time getting people free trees, getting permit extensions for them, and basically navigating through all of the red tape for them and answering any questions they have. I often give people advice too, on what they can do to get what they want and how to make the process go faster. Still, I have to listen to people who are furious at me because our process doesn’t go fast enough, etc. There are so many things for people to complain about.

This isn’t all that i do, mind you. I’d go crazy if I spent all of my time in the office. I also organize plantings, do outreach and help train and coordinate volunteers. Anyway, enough of this talk!

I really am grateful for the experience I’m having, but right now I’m pretty sore physically. I spent 7 hours yesterday doing heavy lifting and other physical work (I helped set up for a tree planting, helped plant, and supervised volunteers). I’m not conscious enough about lifting techniques, and today my back hurts like crazy. Ehh, I’ll just take it easy today.

After Americorps

I was talking to my mom the other day about what I want to do once August rolls around. I can’t quite articulate how liberating it was when she suggested I take some time to relax, maybe visit some people I haven’t seen in awhile and be picky about what I do next.

This does sound like a great idea–it’d be awesome to hang out in Georgia to see my family, Chicago to see Thea, and maybe visit my friend Andrew (wherever he will be!). I can’t imagine how liberating it would be to be able to do that. I’m thinking about grad school though, and how I want to be doing something that looks good on paper for my applications.

On being stressed about the future

I don’t even know what I want to specifically do for grad school yet. I do feel a little worn out, as I’ve been pushing myself for the past 9 years (4 years of high school, 4 years of college, 1 year of Americorps) and always worrying about what’s ahead. I just see people around me that are so much more successful and I strive to be like them. I should give myself a break but am afraid of falling behind. I know I am missing out on something in this life if I’m always looking toward the future, because it makes it seem that what I’m doing now and have already done hasn’t been good enough (because I always want to accomplish more).

In school it’s easy to see your place in the world…grades can be compared, and you see people around campus and can see where you fit in. I don’t know how to gauge my success now. I’m wondering if it’s ultimately a good thing that I don’t feel like I’ve reached my potential? This attitude will pretty much assure that I don’t settle in life, but it has a negative effect on me instead of pushing me positively. Like, I stress instead of striving. I need to figure out a way to shift my perception somehow. Maybe thinking positively will make me more likely to act, instead of not putting myself out there and being more proactive because the future seems like such a stressful and intimidating place. I should be excited instead of intimidated. ::sigh::

I don’t know who I’m worried of disappointing. This always seems to be a problem for me, though no one has expressed any kind of disappointment. I also don’t know what ultimate goal I’m trying to reach. I just feel like every stage in life needs to be a step up… I’m scared of getting stuck and I want to become smarter and create more change as each day passes.

Living in the moment

I’m living in California. I graduated from college and sleep in a house where we don’t have to lock the doors. Yesterday I taught two 6th grade girls how to plant trees. Volunteering is a requirement for their class, and I will be part of their poster and paper for that class. I stood at a city council meeting for the city of San Jose last week as the mayor shook my hand and gave me a certificate of commendation for my service (I forgot to write about this, oops!). After Americorps I can go anywhere in the country and decide what I want to do next.

Miscellaneous

I guess my ex-stepmom recently got married. I am happy for her, and hope she finds the happiness that she was ultimately unable to find with my dad.

There are only 3 months of Americorps left! That seems like such a short time. I’m pretty sure I’m caught up on all of my service hours.

I don’t have a crush on anyone right now! This is probably for the best, though I’m wondering when there will be a mutual attraction between me and some awesome dude again. I’ve been talking to Paul as much as usual, but I sometimes wonder whether this is good for me. He is awesome, but he will soon be embarking on a lot of adventures (his friend’s wedding, Peru, grad school) and I don’t want to deal with the pain of him not having time for me and/or him finding someone else. This is selfish of me I know, and I want to assure you that I’ll still try my best to be there for him as a friend.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do today. Maybe a bike ride, clean a little, try to give myself some time to relax. Sorry if I haven’t been noting you guys very much. I have been reading, but haven’t felt creative enough to leave good notes.I’ll try though.

Anyway, this has been long enough. Hope things are well with you all.