Catch up

I know I haven’t written in awhile; this time of year has just been more depressing than anything else. I don’t really have a lot to complain about though, so I won’t.

Let’s see… I’ve been off of work since the 23rd. I met Paul’s family in the Central Valley (which is lame, by the way. It’s kindof like Auburn except smells worse). It took around 2.5 hours to get there by car, and the drive was fine until it started getting really foggy. I still managed to get there though, which is all I can really ask for. It was his extended family on his mom’s side and they were all fairly nice. We had a Christmas dinner and that was good, and I even managed to drink some wine (I hate wine… I’ve never managed to find one that doesn’t taste crappy, no matter how expensive it is). After being in the crowded house for a few hours Me, Paul, Paul’s brother and cousin went to the hotel and watched American Gladiators on ESPN Classic. It was okay but I was kindof cranky, and Paul’s cousin was too loud and energetic for me (she was 21 and nice but we didn’t really have a lot in common).

We went to brunch over at his aunt’s house the next day and watched A Christmas Story because they are apparently extra-terrestrials and have never seen it. If that ain’t a reason to call Homeland Security I don’t know what is. The brunch was good, and we left a little while later to drive back to Paul’s house (4 hours! Yay!).

I’ve been here at Paul’s since then. We’ve really only watched movies ("Juno" and "Sweeney Todd"–and oh, I also saw "Atonement" before I left) and gone to restaurants. Paul shelled out $25 for a meal for me last night… it was lobster ravioli (which I’ve never had) and I guess it was pretty okay. It was good I mean, but I kept imagining lobsters in my head screaming "Whhhhyyyyy Deeeebbiieeeee??!" and it put a damper on things. I really don’t eat meat much anymore, and when I do it makes me feel kindof funky. It was a good meal though. We did go after seeing "Sweeney Todd" though which, believe it or not, is pretty gory. Paul has a hard time putting that stuff out of his head.

I have a lot on my mind. I miss home but am not trying to think about it (and trying not to be bummed about it especially), finances are a little tight because I won’t be able to receive my check until I go back to work (we were supposed to get them last week), and I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life once this Americorps assignment is up at the end of August. Should I try another Americorps program? The Peace Corps? Some other form of professional volunteerism? Should I look for a real job? Start really focusing on grad school? Figure out what the hell I want to do with my entire life? Should I go back to the Midwest (to keep me from being bummed), or suck it up and look for opporunities in another place (besides San Jose) where I’ll be alone? Maybe the homesickness that’s lasted for the past 7 months will fade with, not necessarily time, but experience. ::sigh:: I want to be one of those super independent and ambitious people, but the fact is that I don’t like change and uncertainty. I wish I could just get over it.

And being here with Paul is interesting. I’m really glad we get to hang out and I appreciate having him in my life, but my feelings for him are changing. It’s dumb but I am developing some resentment because it seems so easy for him to plan his life path without taking me into consideration. I know he is doing what’s best for him, but I can’t help but feel like it’s so easy for him to leave me behind. I’ve also been focusing on things about him that annoy me, which I’ve never really done before. My romantic feelings for him are beginning to dissipate, but I guess that’s good considering he’s applying to grad schools all over the country and will probably be outside of the country this summer (he’s looking to study Spanish in Peru, that lucky bastard).

I’ve just been in a funk I guess, but at the same time feel bad about complaining. Oh well. I really don’t want to spend my day thinking only about myself. Umm.. so how are you?

p.s. I wish you a Very Belated Merry Christmas! Also, Happy New Year! 2008 is a visually pleasing number, no?