another frickin’ survey

1) a. If you had to be named after a state…which state would you be? Arizona

b. If you had to be named after a city, which city would you be? Kalamazoo, baby!

2) You are a porn star and your name consists of: First street you lived on, first initial of your brand of underwear, and the name of your first pet. What is your porn star name? Hooker M. Stumpy

3) If you had all the skinny ass bitch actresses in a room, tied them up and force-fed them till they got fat, what would you feed them? Bacon fat

4) How many times have you pissed yourself while drunk? i’ve never been drunk

5) How many times have you imitated Spiderman or seen Spiderman imitated while drunk? none.

b. while high? i’ve never been high

6) Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex (drunk or sober)? no

7) How many times have you thought that you could fly? a few

8) If you could screw any band member/singer, who would you do, where, and how many times? Dave Matthews, everywhere, and a million times.

9) How many Gods do you know? One. Me.

10) Do you own a cape? no.. but I could readily make one.

11) Underwear or commando? underwear

12) You find an exotic monkey in your backyard. Do you A) shoot it, B) feed it, C) take it to your room and spank it, D) a combination of the above, or E) all of the above in no particular order? E

13) How dysfunctional is your family? regular, I suppose. Except Roger is a DICK.

14) Have you ever had phone sex? not technically

15) Have you ever stolen anything from an exclusive country club? no.. youd have to be pretty exclusive to do that.

16) How big is the biggest pair of underwear you’ve ever seen? BIG ol’ granny panties.

17) Have you ever caught your parents in the act of lovemaking? ::sigh:: yes.

18) Have your parents caught you in the act of lovemaking? no

19) What is the latest hour you have ever been somewhere that is open 24 hours? like 4 am

20) Have you ever washed a car with a squeegee? yes

21) Have you ever walked through the drive thru? plenty of times, stemming from when I was pretty small

22) How many porn magazines do you own? 0

23) How many sex toys do you own? 0. Heh. My hand. Heh.

24) Have you ever been tied up? yes

25) Do you own, or have access to a pair of handcuffs? yes

26) How close is your headboard to the wall? an inch

27) Have you ever woken the neighbors or roommates while screwing someone? nope.

28) Threesome anyone? no

29) Have you or a significant other named your sex organs? YES

30) If I say “the twins,” do you know who I am talking about? Boobs? Balls?

31) (removed for the sake of taste)

32) How do you feel about water bras? they’re squishy.

33) Do you own a blindfold? sure

34) Do you have a restraining order against you? no but Im working on it.