Heres a nice entry.. Pt.1

I know I havent written in awhile.. but who cuurs? I mean, I dont cuur. But I guess there’s a lot of stuff that I could write about.. if I can gather up enough energy to do so.

So.. I went to the doctor last week. He didnt really say anything about my kidneys, but just figured that my pain was chronic back pain and he wants to send me to get my spine xrayed..! And he put me on Claritin, some dumbass allergy medicine, when i dont even have allergies.. and im supposed to go to a neurologist, to make sure theres nothing wrong with my brain thats causing my constant headaches.. and, im going to a plastic surgeon.. because i have this wierd freckle thing on my toe, and he said that it could be, or could turn into, cancer.. he said that when things like that are on the hands or feet that they can be bad.. so, thats something to look forward to. Also, he thinks that a lot of my health problems could be caused by stress, and my lifestyle..so he wants to give me anti depressants.. and maybe some nice counseling, or therapy.. because I have constant anxienty, and stress, and worry, and am depressed a lot.. except sometimes I can hide all of it, and hiding it becomes easier over time.. I also really, really think that I have some form of OCD.. but the behaviors and thought patterns are stupid, so I dont tell the doctor about them.. but it sometimes can contribute a LOT to my anxiety.. but nobody wants to hear about this crap, so Ill move on!

So, I guess I can talk about my boyfriend.. Simon is doing good, but hes got a lot of stuff going on with his hostfamily.. his hostbrother, Derek, is really fucked up.. Sally gave him the choice of whether or not he wants to move to a new host family, because she feels their family doesnt provide a good environment.. Simon has wanted to move, but now that he has the opportunity, he is confused and hesitant to decide.. I mean, hes already had 2 families, and its only November! So, he was asking me for advice.. I tried to see if his reasons for wanting to move were more than his reasons for wanting to stay.. and his reasons for wanting to stay were: 1.He has too much stuff and doesnt want to gather it all together 2.He already has posters on his walls and everything

So basically, I told him he should move! But, I guess thats his decision but I told him I would support him, either way! Me and Simon have been together for around 2 months now.. he is still really great, and everything that he was when we started.. of course he can always make me laugh, and hes so damn loving.. and of course for the sake of my mood, I will stick to the good things! Hes just so damn adorable, and clever, and sometimes he says and does the funniest and cutest things that I have ever seen.. and I feel pretty comftorable around him and everything.. but at the same time, the whole thing really scares me..no matter how much I like him, and even start to love him, Im scared to get too attached to him, or to confide in him too much.. not for the fact that hes leaving at the end of the year, I havent been thinking about that.. but for the fact that I am really trying to protect myself a lot from being hurt.. even though he says he would never intentionally hurt me, and I dont have to worry about losing him.. I guess its just my past experiences with guys that makes me so apprehensive to completely trust and lose myself in Simon.. I mean, hes really great.. but I always hold back some, scared that i will get really wrapped up in him and then lose him.. and then Id have to deal with all the extra pain and stuff.. but I think its only fair for me to give him a chance, and life is all about experiences, and new feelings.. and I guess taking that risk is something i need to do, even if it ends up hurting me in the long run.. thats the state of mind Im usually in, not passing up experiences just because I know I will get hurt.. and that counts for me being with Simon.. I know he’s going back to Germany at the end of the school year, and I know it will hurt me a lot, but I dont think I should pass up the experience to be with someone really great like him just because Im scared of being hurt in the future.. I just always think the experience is worth it.. and I think that has been a pretty good approach, because I understand and know a lot of things that most people dont, because I let myself go, and do what makes me happy for the moment.. I live like that, but I cant seem to apply it when it comes to completely trusting someone, and depending on them.. I guess I can try it, little by little, and see what happens..

*CONTINUED*