relationships

I was reading some of my old entries.. from near my diaries start. I think I sound really smart in some of them, the ones having to do with my views on life, and relationships.. dizamn, I think if I ever need some meaningful advice, I can just go back and read things that I have written before.. When it came to my relationship with Brent, I tried to be reasonable and practical about everything, and I guess I was.. but to read what I wrote about it now is just wierd.. because I knew all of the emotions I was going through, and how I know so much more now than I did then.. even though it all wasnt THAT long ago.. like 6 months, maybe..it might not even be that long. But oh well.. I guess its good that I write so much about my relationships, like I do with Simon now, because I like going back after its all over and looking at that stuff. So I will write, and write, and write!

I realize how lucky I am that my breakup with Brent was fairly painless.. I remember my breakup with Daniel, who I was only with for 9 months, but he was my first real love.. that break up was sooo hard for me.. I would try to hurt myself to get his attention, and at home I would lay around and cry all day, not thinking I had anything to live for.. just wanting to run away from everything, and the only thing that occupied my mind was wanting to have him back, and have things the way they used to be. I would think about him all the time, and I always felt so worthless that he didnt want me anymore. I felt that everything was a lie, and that without him I was nothing. I thought if I were to die, noone would care.. because I figured if he didnt want me, then noone did. I remember how painful all of that was, and how it took me SO long to get over it.. I dont even know if Im over it yet, and we broke up 3 years ago.. I mean, I still love him, somewhere deep down.. Isnt that wierd? I guess love always does last, in some fucked up way.

But luckily, my breakup with Brent was much easier.. it could have been bad, since I was with him for a year and a half.. but the only time I cried was when it happened, and I saw a completely different side of him, and it hurt.. when things like that happen, you feel like you dont really know anybody at all! But still, the breakup left me evaluating our relationship.. the good times, the bad times.. I was thinking about everything we went through.. and it was wierd. I had gotten so accustomed to being with him, brent and debbie, and it felt wierd to be without that.. I dunno.. but I was surprisingly OK.. it probably really helped that it was summer and I had a lot of stuff to take my mind off it. I dunno.. luckily, I didnt have to go through that whole thing that I went through with Daniel again.. i cant imagine that pain again.. even though if I did have to go through it again, I think I would handle it better because I know that there is more to life than a relationship like that, and I know there is so much more to live for than a guy.. but I guess Ill have to wait and see how well I will handle it, which is something Im really not looking forward to.. >;

And now, theres my relationship with Simon! I am very apprehensive with this relationship, which is something very natural for me.. I mean, Im scared to put too much faith into it, because it could end, and I accept that.. I just dont want to set myself up only to get hurt! Im not saying that Simon isnt great, because he is, and he is completely wonderful.. its just, I have to protect myself more than anything else.. but I wonder if I am missing out on some important hurtful feelings by guarding myself so much? Not that it would be a bad thing.. its like, when you touch a hot stove, you know not to touch it again because you know how it hurts.. thats how it is for me with relationships.. Ive been hurt, so now I protect myself, not letting myself get too caught up in my emotions, or depending on the guy too much. Plus, I am left being very jealous, and posessive.. but I think that also goes along with my astrological sign? But anyway, I have been trying to keep these feelings under control, at least I realize that sometimes I am completely irrational with my jealously.. and I really try to change that.. but still, its hard! Over the stupidest things, I will get very jealous.. and posessive. I guess its because Im so apprehensive and insecure about relationships.. I dunno. But I just think it sucks, that I am this way sometimes. But I think it has saved me from a lot of heartache, me protecting myself all the time, and putting up walls.. Ahh, Ive put up so many walls! But I dont care.. I guess it all comes with the territory. But it also helps me not to be so sentimental about everything, and it lets me have fun with Simon, and to click with his personality. But oh well. The point is that I am too scared to put faith in my relationships.. and as far as me and Simon go, its too soon to tell.. Ive only been with him for 3 weeks..I just dont want to like him too much, or develop too much of a bond with him, in case things end.. I just want to lessen the possible pain. Damn, usually I wouldnt be talking about the relationship so seriously after such a short time, especially 3 weeks, but there is something different about Simon.. something special that I cant describe.. Its something good, that makes him stand out so much to me, and makes him so special.. but it also scares me, because of how scared I am about relationships..Even though that sounds stupid.. but I cant help it. Its just the way I am, I guess.. and maybe one day there will be someone who can make me see things differently.. but I guess I will have to wait and see.. well, I have written enough for now, so CYAZ!