Dear Amy is found

Grumpy spouse no excuse for boring life

Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson (askamy@tribune.com)

June 27, 2009

Dear Amy: I have a very grumpy husband. We don’t have sex or intimacy — and we hardly even talk.  For the last six years, our relationship has been off and on again.I’ve been ignoring the fact that we have nothing in common anymore.  It is a loveless relationship, and why we stay together is a mystery.  Lately, I have the urge to find someone new. I’d like to talk to a companion.  Do other people just stay miserably in a dead-end marriage because it’s convenient or maybe because we’re all scared of change?  My husband doesn’t care to talk about it or see a counselor, and I’m not interested in a counselor, either.  We’ve been together too long — since high school — and we’re both 50.  I guess it’s time to divorce.  — Bored

Dear Bored: Well, you leave me no options other than to recommend what’s on TV. I understand that "Monk" is enjoying its final season.  If you and your husband are both listless, bored, grouchy and estranged — then maybe it is time to call it a day. But you, at least, seem to want something different. You say you want a companion. You want someone to talk to.  Some married couples do stay in dead-end relationships, for a variety of reasons. They stay because they don’t want to leave their kids in the lurch, because they can’t afford to live separately, or because they’re crippled with ennui or afraid of change.  If you want for things to be different, then do things differently. The best place to start is with that lump on the couch. (I’m talking about you.)  You sound like a very old 50-year-old. You could shake up your life, not by leaving your marriage, but by trying something new. Join a club. Exercise. Visit an art gallery. And, yes, try therapy. You should invite your husband along — but if he doesn’t want to join you, that’s his choice. Your kick-start might inspire him — it might not. But you’ll meet people and develop new interests, and that will be good for you.
 

I cut these "Ask Amy" advice columns out of my local newspaper when I think that they’re relevant to my life or when they’re speaking to an issue in my life that I have a stronger opinion on.  This one is "perfect" for my marriage because Amy gives "Bored" – the writer – some good options.

In my case, I don’t have a grumpy husband.  I have a somewhat lethargic wife.  She seems to prefer playing Nintendo DS games (Scrabble is her favourite, I think), listening to audiobooks on her MP3 player, and/or surfing the WWW on her computer to getting off her butt and doing something constructive.  On the weekends, she sleeps ’til 11am or later while I’m up wrangling the kids and trying to keep them quiet & entertained.

I keep myself otherwise occupied instead of bitching and moaning about the situation.  I clean up around the house, go out shopping for food or household items, or take the kids to a park.  I do work from home on my computer if I’m really bored.  I have become an avid walker, doing 4.5 miles per day of "aerobic walking" (as my pedometer calls it) on the weekday mornings.  I record shows on the TiVo box that my wife would never be interested in (like MTV’s "The Hills" LOL), and I watch those.

My point is, I keep myself busy.  I am waiting for my wife to "wake up" and get off her butt.  We’re both 40-somethings, and yet I see her as SO much older than me.  It’s not enough to get a divorce over, but it sure makes me roll my eyes and mutter under my breath every day.