I’m horrible

So I haven’t written here in a long while…  mostly because I haven’t had anything good to say.  I don’t like writing crappy stuff all the time.  It makes me look bitter, dissatisfied, and horrible.  Still, here I am to complain again.

My wife does little to change how she looks and feels.  When she is sick or feeling tired/achey, she would rather take a pill than figure out other long-term solutions (such as exercise or diet).  When she is looking in the mirror and not liking what she sees, she would rather wear a different bra or buy clothes that make her look thinner instead of making a long-term effort to watch what she eats and get more exercise.

I have tried to get past her lack of change, but I just can’t.  I look at her and see only the huge belly and double chin that she has kept around for the past 5 years.  I don’t see anything that makes me want to have sex with her anymore.  In fact, with her lack of motivation to look better and lose weight, I’m even more turned off.

I’m not doing anything to sabotage her small efforts, if there are any.  It’s just the opposite…  I give her plenty of time to change.  I cook dinners.  I do things with the children.  I keep things clean around the house.  I let her sleep late when she wants to (which is every other Saturday and just about every Sunday).  I don’t give her crap when she wants to stay late at work or when she wants to go out with people for dinner after work.  I don’t do the "Guilt Trip" thing at all.

I don’t know what else I can do about this.  I know that it’s not up to me anyway.  It’s up to her to change, and she’s only going to change if she wants to.  I think that she wants to.  She’s just lazy about it.

And so, I wait around for something to change with her.  In the meantime, I’m on my own "fitness crusade" and getting more healthy.  I’m doing things that make the children happy, leaving her behind when she doesn’t want to join us.  I’m making plans for us to do things as a family, like a family vacation in October.  I’m enjoying what I can of this life.  It’s all I can do.

Ugh.  The urge to hit the "Cancel" button is making me want to scrap this entry and pretend that everything is OK.  Why can’t I just figure this one "little" thing out?!?!?  *sigh*