Sorry, I’m not your guy

I have had my fill of OD drama and sh*t from my past on here.  I have had other diaries, and I have gotten involved in tons of drama.  I’m sick of it!  Unfortunately, the past isn’t up for debate…  the past can’t be changed…  and things that happened can’t be erased.

My last entry had several private notes, some of which could be deemed judgemental.  Well ain’t that just peachy?  Too friggen bad.  Go elsewhere for fluff and mindless happy sh*t.  I’m not your guy.

My last entry caused a diarist to remove me from her "Favorites List."  She decided that I wasn’t worth the time anymore, and maybe, from her point-of-view, I’m not.  That fine by me.  She and I only bumped into each other a few weeks ago.  I would rather "lose" someone now than in a few years, after a few million IM messages and dozens of hours of sharing and (maybe) caring about each other as an online friend.  I’ve had long-term online friends disappear, and it hurts worse than someone new disappearing.

You know what?  I think I’m a jaded and selfish man who has entitlement issues.  My marriage has turned me into that type of man.  I have felt ignored and disrespected by my wife for many many months, and it sucks.  I don’t know what to do about it.  There are children involved.  I’m probably staying married just so I can see my kids every day.  How crappy is that?

I haven’t had sex with my wife in 46 days (yes, I counted them out).  The truth is, I don’t know if I care or not.  When we have sex, it’s just blah…  and I wish that she’d get off faster so I could get to sleep quicker.  She doesn’t turn me on anymore.  I wish she’d lose 80 pounds and get rid of the "pregnant belly look" that I hate so much.

I had an affair with a 20-something.  It started 5 years ago and went on for 3 years, ending in December 2005.  It was long distance, so we relied on emails and voicemails and text messages to profess our caring/love for each other.  We were physically together for only about 6 days a year…  six rockin’ days of sex and affection and talking and sharing and getting everything from each other that we weren’t getting in real life.  I got caught, of course.  My wife found our diaries on OD, snooped around, figured things out, and confronted me when I got home from being with the other woman.  I denied the physical part, of course, but admitted that I loved the other woman.  It took me a LONG time (many months of internal debate within my mind, heart, and soul) to end things with the other woman, and I ended things wrong by trashing just about every good thing that I had had with her for the 3 years.  Still, it had to end, and it did.

I don’t miss anything from the 3 years that I lived a double life.  The other woman didn’t turn me on after a while, so the physical part died out slowly.  The emotional bond that I had to her dissolved when I realized how immature she was (after all, I am 12 years older than her and have had my own life for a LOT longer).  Instead of caring, I build up a lot of resentment for her.  I still hope that she suffers a little bit every time she thinks of me.

Now that I’m reading all of this, I realize that I changed direction a few times on the main point of this entry.  Maybe this is what it’s like to just type whatever comes to mind.  Maybe I’m just trying to get it out of me so I don’t have to think about it every friggen day.

Maybe I should just find someone to talk to.  I need someone to talk to.  Life is lonely when you have only yourself to talk to.