Without a mother

Today I spent the afternoon with my mother on a shopping spree. This could seem to be a nice way to spend one’s afternoon, but in fact, it is not. My mother has always been a problem, and it is getting worse. She has always isolated me, humiliated me in front of family members or friends, and I grew up with the feeling that whatever I do is wrong. Even my Professors at University noticed it. I had several oral exams, where I was faced with the task of answering questions immediately and showing some competence. I always scored very well. Nevertheless, at the moment of signing the protocol paper, I always felt as if it was impossible that I had passed. On my last exam, my Professor told me straight that he noticed that I was competent and interested in the topic, that I had brought a brilliant performance but that something was kind of blocking me, and he wanted to know what it is. He said to me that he had seen a lot of people far more self-confident than me who knew far less than me about the topic. I realised that I have some self-censorship within myself, the voice of my mother always whispering that I am not good enough.

I know that this is sad, and I feel sad acknowledging it, but my mother never accepted my graduation. Since I graduated, she became far more aggressive, intolerant, cold, suspicious than she was before. She refused to attend my graduation ceremony and she forbade my father to attend too. Doctor Livio decided to come instead of them. He did not want to let me go alone. In fact, he is the only one who really never stopped fighting for me to get that Bachelor, so I was glad to have him by my side on that occasion. Still, all my friends had their families; all my friends were invited to dinner or had a party after the ceremony. I was the only one who simply went home, cooked a simple dinner for her parents and went to sleep as if nothing happened.

My relationship with my mother is therefore growing more and more conflictual, she has never been a mother and she will never be. I even started to think that having a mother or being a mother is the most horrible thing that can happen, but I know this is an extreme position. I just know for sure I will never have children. I do not want to be the mom to anybody. I would have a different way to be a mom, but I fear that her influence could still be present.

Actually, because of my mother, I am not living the life of a 37-year-old. I am not saying I should be married, have a job and a flat with my partner, but I am delayed with everything in my life. I do not have the mental structure of a 37-year-old. Everything is as if I never moved on from my 15s, I still relate to people in a very childish way, I do not manage to have adult relationships to people and my feelings are unstable. I am faced with 25-year-old people at University who are far more adult than me. They have partners and sometimes they even live together with them, they decide what they do, they plan their holidays, they travel, they are independent. I am here, I still live with my parents – allegedly because I need it, in reality because they need it – and I play the role of a sort of nurse, baby sitter, cook, servant, and I am the one to blame for everything that is wrong.

I accept this situation, I know this will not last forever. I remain silent and I swallow my pride, but I know this is going to end someday.