3am w/edit

It’s not 3am, but at that time i almost got up to write an entry about a really disturbing dream i was woken from. I am so happy the heater kept me from completing the dream. I am still unsure whether i will describe the whole thing yet. I will soon, but maybe now i just want to break in my new entry…. What i mean i guess is that it has been such a long time since i have written that i just want to get some word out and warm up to opening up. Its something i have been wanting to do for a while now. Life gets in the way, but truly…. for my own mental health i need to write more frequently. It would be a good idea to specifically pick a day and time and write regularly, like once a week. For now, a list perhaps

I have been regularly working out at the local community center- perhaps 2 or 3 months now. I have lost about 5 pounds. I am not going to drastic weight loss

Since winter break, i have been knitting a lot. I’ve finished 3 projects and started a new one. I am knitting for people, which i love.

I made a pie the other day. Next in the queue is bread and bread pudding (perhaps)

Christmas was uncomfortable, but ok. I spent a couple days with K’s daughter and her family down in Eugene.  They are very nice, we ate good food and played board games. Its just not my family. I don’t feel like i am a part of them. I would have peferred to just spend a day with beloved friends.

I am going to a thrift store today. It kind of feels relieving. Who knows why.

That’s all for now.

So, the dream:

I come back to school and find out that i have to go to court because i did not complete the proper paperwork required to be a special ed teacher. I am furious because the paperwork was done in time, but my school psych (kind of like a direct supervisor) said it was ok if i missed the day it was due. As a result, everyone thinks i blew it all off because i was wasted and partying (or something). I am furious and pissed off, which is so very opposite of who i really am. I try to blame my school psych because she said it was ok for me to miss the day.

In real life, i am not someone who wants to blame someone else for something i am responsible for.

In the dream i am so confused because i do not know why i missed that day. Slowly, i recall that the reason i missed that day is because i was kidnapped and brutally physically and sexually assaulted.  I try and communicate that to people close to me at school, but it seemed that no one was listening or cared or believed me.

At this point, the dream shifts a bit. I begin following a story line of the abuser. I find out that the person that kidnapped me has been doing the same with many people, including young girls that had been kidnapped for weeks on end- raped and beaten the whole time. One flash of the dream i am in the back of a truck and start attacking the man with an axe.

In the middle of the night, the heater starts and wakes me from this dream.

It was horrid. Ugh. As a result, i was on emotional edge all day. This, on top of Christmas, really made me sensitive to anything that might hurt my feelings.  I knew i had to leave the house or i was going to respond to anything that i perceived as judgmental on K’s part. Of course, i couldn’t keep away from home, so it happened.

At this point, i don’t fell like going into much more. I only hope that i will make sure to update more often so i can get my thoughts out into the universe and release some pressure i have been building up.