Up and Down w/ next day edit

That’s how things have been, up and down. Kevin and i have been going to counseling, which is one thing i stipulated when i said i would give our relationship a chance. The counseling is very helpful, as he has some personal issues stemming from a past abusive relationship and dealing with the repercussions of long term unemployment.

As an aside, he was offered a job and is starting tomorrow. This gives me some hope.

But, then some things bring me back down, too. I am going to try to be as honest as i can with the thoughts and emotions i am dealing with, so i can really look at things objectively and make sure i am doing what makes me happy. I need to bring more close, loved ones into my reality so i can get some feedback too. Up to now i have only let bits and pieces out to others. For the large part, though, i have not told anyone what is going on.

That it, until last night. I called my sister, whom i am very close to, and let some of it out. I told her i needed some perspective and feedback from her. She and her family are coming for one night next week, on their way to visit friends in Southern Oregon. She will meet Kevin. I have not seen her since Thanksgiving, i think, and i miss and love her so much. I have a new niece and i have only met her once. I am so excited to hold that beautiful baby.

I only have 4 minutes until my first class starts (my favorite, 8th grade math) and i have some unloading to do. I will come back to this later on in the day and save the tears (i hope) for then. I feel as if i am a newly formed scar, very tender and prone to hurt.

Edit/Addendum

It took a while to come back. Yesterday was a long day, worked from 7 to 7 basically. I am less emotional than i was yesterday, so the urge to write is not as strong. My perspective today may be a little more distant and less…. hm… urgent? I know that’s not the correct word, but it works for now.

Yesterday morning i was up early as usual and doing my usual routine, listening to NPR on my ipod without headphones in the bathroom. Then i head out to kitchen/dining room and change NPR to my computer (less tinny sounding). After a while i hear footsteps thumping and i can tell Kevin is awake. I can’t recall whatever he said, something about being awake so he better just get up. Obviously he was irritated about being woke up. Generally i try to be quiet-ish in the morn, but i think i had my computer on a little louder than usual.

I just decided to ignore it and finish my routine. I kiss him goodbye.

Later that evening i mention that perhaps we could find a balance between his stomping around and my not saying anything (if he was being noisy or turning on the light, i wouldn’t say anything, and haven’t in the past) He does this thing that i hate and really hurts my feelings. And makes me mad, because i do not feel as if i am in the wrong and definitely feel is his own issue.

It goes something like this:

"You know how tinny the ipod sounds in the bathroom. I can’t believe you wouldn’t even think that it’s too loud."

I respond with what makes sense to me, something that i feel is perfectly logical. "I don’t know that i am being too noisy if you don’t communicate with me about it."

He says (this is where i feel he does not appreciate my point of view, my way of being in the world, and has an undertone of i am dumb because i don’t think about things the way he does), "You should just know that you are being loud. It’s a bathroom. There is tile. Sound echoes in there. It’s logical. You could wear headphones. I wear headphones when i think i am going to bother you."

To which i re-iterate my point of view. He did not communicate to me that i was being noisy and no, it did not ever occur to me that the sound echoes (later on i realized there is not tile in the bathroom, but that’s neither here nor there).

At this point i may have continued to try and communicate my perspective, but i have learned that it just leads to me being very upset. He was obviously upset and had really hurt my feelings. I wanted to enter a form of conversation that our counselor had talked about (i forget what its called) but he says he does not want to talk about it anymore. I cry as he puts on the next episode of Battlestar Galactica. I answer any of his questions with one word answers and lay there woodenly through the episode. Afterwards he gets up, says "Night" brusquely, takes pillows and blankets and sleeps on the couch.

Then i have yesterday where i was back in that space of "WTF am i doing here?"

I know that my emotional reactions to these situations are a little overblown, but i can’t help it. I hate that he can’t see things from my perspective and makes me feel i am stupid for either seeing the world my way/not seeing the world his way. Yes, i see where he is coming from, but it often does not make sense.

And, this is how i feel in the height of the emotion, right after when things have not been resolved: I feel my own perspective is invalidated, my way of being in the world (i borrow that term from my counselor) is being suppressed and is not important. It makes me feel as if he does not appreciate me.

That’s all i have is me. I love myself. I love who i am. I love my family, my friends, how i think, how i feel, how i interact with people, with my students, the world. I love how i am unconventional, slightly off the norm, how i often don’t care what others think, that i have an anti-authoritarian streak. I am charismatic for these reasons and others. I am dynamic, a balance of dark and optimistic, and introvert. I have a wealth of wonderful friends and family i would do anything for and vice versa.

The way he reacts to how i am makes me feel as if he is trying to crush who i am. I know this is probably a little dramatic. I also know that he does not want to make me feel this way. Hence, the counseling. We need to be able to address these situations as they arise, because when he just says he does not want to talk about it i lost a little bit more faith in our relationship and it proves to me that he is not the one for me.