05/02/2013

Occationally i like to re-read entries from around the same date, but in past years. May 1, 2008 i had just come back from Ireland and was jet lagged. I very clearly stated on thing, without reserve. My trip to Ireland made me realize i most definitely wanted to have children. How old was i then? I was 31. I have spent the time between then and now letting other priorities or other people dictate what i am doing. This realization broke up the relationship i wanted to stay in, the person i wanted to have the child with. I spent 2 years teaching in a small town and with someone i did not even love. I spent a year in grad school (which i do not regret at all) and taking some of that time to care for my nephew. Now here i am, back at teaching, and in a relationship that is difficult and confusing. I can’t have the child conversation because i have some deep rooted fears and dark, dark experiences with death and pain. I think "he will say he is too old, he already has a 9 year old daughter he cherishes, we feel rocky….etc, etc…." but its torture. I need to be in a positive, loving relationship where there is an understanding that we both want to have and love a child together.

That’s what my priority should be. Now, to make this happen is going to be the tough part.