I own these words.

I have a lot of different thoughts racing through my head, maybe this will just start out as a list.

I tried to leave a note on a diary i read and found myself performing some of my self doubt magic. Sometimes i find my words may come across as hollow, misunderstood. While i know this is not the case, i only note in genuinities. Actually, if i left a note as often as i initially intend too you all might hear from me more often. I read frequently and often go back and read what i have missed.

Ha. The next bit i was going to write was so personal, i couldn’t get at it. Maybe with some chatter i will ….ah, what’s the word…elicit those words from my brain.

Today was a strange day. It was a half teaching day, but i was at my second school and all we did was have a banquet. I made a tomatillo sauce and a pretty darn tasty vegetarian enchiladas for the meal. I didn’t take into account that about half of teeneagerhood is either not adventurous and/or does not like mushrooms, so i took about half home. The adults liked it, though.

I am feeling old in a lot of little ways. I think the skin on my neck is getting looser. I have more severe scoliosis related back pain. I go to a chiro and massage once a week, i am so lucky to have reasonably priced health care. 

My therapy has been inconsistent. My schedule does not work well with hers, she has a limited number of spots because she is an intern, they get filled quickly. Kevin has come once or twice. I told him a long, long time ago that if i were to even consider continuing our relationship it would require counseling. We can’t get in till April 18th. Ugh. Truth is, though, if i were to write more consistently, i believe it would be a big help for my own inner life.  I want to make a pledge to write once a week, but i am afraid of letting myself down and not being true to my word.

Gosh, i am hard on myself still, part of why i would like access to my counselor. Something happened that told me i needed to get in to see her.  The paranoia, those little tendrils have crept into my brain again. I know to not listen to them and i am usually good at ignoring them, but its not good for my mental health. I worked through that bit of paranoia (having to do with people and feeling inadequate) by being extra open and kind with the people at my second school (i am unhappy with this environment, can you tell?). At a certain point i was not doing my job well, or was not holding myself to the standards i knew i could achieve. The env9ronment was chaotic. The main teacher and i have a completely different teaching philosophy and i think his philosophy and teaching style are not good for the kids. Either way, i took control of what i could and did what needed to happen. There is no reason i should be filled with doubt and paranoia. But then, i think… there is more that i can do. I can do a better job. I don’t spend enough time at home making lesson plans, i don’t try and make more posters on my walls, i don’t….. and on and on and on…

I miss living in Eugene. I miss is a lot some times. It must have inched its tendrils into me. Part of it had to do with the amazing friends i made, some of it was having my nephew with me for 6 months. Part of it was falling in love, tumultuously, with Kevin. I put on the mix he made me December 2011. Oy.

I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions about Kevin. This week he is in Eugene with his 9 year old daughter. I enjoy all this time to myself. Its pretty damn amazing. When he comes back i will have to make sure to set aside this time for myself more often. I think it will be easier as the weather progresses into spring.

For a long time in my life, consciously as an early teenager, i felt different. It well may be that all felt that way in their lives. I wonder if i have lost that. For longer than most children usually do, i felt i had powers, that i could talk to spirits, i had very vivid dreams. I was not very susceptible to peer pressure as a teenager. There were a couple times in my life i tried to conform consciously, but it didn’t last very long. How can i harness that as an adult? As a woman who is 36 and has a career? I mean, i know that i am a bit quirky, but i think i might be missing something. Like my energy can be placed somewhere more meaningful than just "being". I know i teach, and several times this year i have felt very, very happy about my choice to teach (and sometimes i am just plain frustrated).

I would have an amazing child, i think. Often that thought is an "I" thought. I don’t think, pragmatically, i have ever seen myself doing this with someone. Or, more along the lines of- I would be happily surprised if it did work out.  And here is the place i wanted to come out earlier when it felt too personal, too early. I feel a certain way that’s completely unfair to myself and i know its not logical.

I feel that no man would love me so much that he would say, "i would love to have a child with you"

I know its a completely loaded statement. And. I feel ashamed to even say that. I feel so strong and independent and it seems to be the antithesis to who i am.

I also know that, given my past with children and men, it’s just what i learned over time. It’s rooted in my emotions. Deep seated.

A problem i have with Kevin is just this. The idea i have in my head (just so i don’t get disappointed, i can refer what i already knew was going to happen), is that if i got pregnant, eventually our relationship would fall apart. I wouldn’t let it drag on longer than it needs be, because i feel so pragmatic about our relationship. After the dissolution, he would remain a good father, as i have seen him with his daughter. There would be an amicable relationship. We would grow and change as humans do.

Now back to why i am even mentioning this scenario.  I feel that no man really would willingly have a child with me. Perhaps they may be happy eventually, maybe even very happy (for a while), but … you know…

gosh. So, what do i do? I start a relationship with a man whose conversations lead me to think he would not want a child. It’s easier for me to perpetuate my world view. And instead of talking to him about it at all, what i do is fall into my old habit of not communicating what is important to me and worth talking about in a relationship where you are talking about making it last.

Sheesh. I have so much fear and so much pain about this subject. Its one of those barely scarred over wounds.  I wish Mark hadn’t refused to talk to me about it all those years ago. Not only did i break both our hearts by breaking off our relationship, but i also added to that deep wound i have carried for years. Then, post breakup when he hurt me so terribly that when given a chance to get back together, i couldn’t do it.

It is an important conversation to have with Kevin. I can’t tell you how much i wish i could have it. Just thinking about it makes me think of all the things he would say to me, some of the same fears i had with Mark. "I am too old" "I have a child already" Ones that are uniquely Kevin- "The world is going to end"  or anything about him being unemployed and feeling completely inadequate as a provider of any sort for anyone.

Sometimes i joke i would just get pregnant and move back to Bellingham. I could get a full time teaching job and i have a ton of friends as a social and child raising support network. I am somewhat serious about that when i say that, too. Maybe all i did was choose someone with the genetics i think would mix well with me so i can reproduce?

Ya. Who knows. I think i am on the verge of saying i will try to write once a week. All this i have spewn out at you is a jumble because i have not let myself process through it all. This and my written journal have always been the best places to process. I can do this.

I was going to apologize for all these words, but i should not. I own these words, they are me.