11/10/2012

I am unsure that i will be writing this evening. Even though i have been teaching for 2 months now, living here for a little more than that, this is the first time i really feel i have had the time to myself. I know this isn’t the truth, many nights i have spent in bed watching Battlestar Galactica, or the Walking Dead. Right now its just me, you, red wine, and jazz from my favorite Seattle NPR station, KUOW.

Things i have been doing include:

• Starting a 403 (b)- a retirement plan that takes money from my paycheck pre-tax. This on top of the retirement i have started with WA State.
• Working 3 jobs (well, maybe 2). I have 2 part time teaching positions, one is half days every day, one is the other half of the day for 2 days. My third job is at the local food co-op, 3 days a week. I get Saturdays off. I glory in that Monday is a holiday.
• Knitting. I have a secret pal at one of my schools. I am knitting her a cable scarf. Knitting was put waaaay on the back burner while i was doing my Masters and taking care of my nephew.
• Regularly seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist (not the nice relaxing kind!).
• Reading excellent young adult literature.

Things i need to/will be doing

• Starting therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, to be precise. Different from what i was doing at the university, but quite necessary. More about that later on, i think
• More knitting- hats for everyone!!
• Paying student loans. Ugh. Next month i will start again on my undergrad loans- a nice low 2.25%. March i will slowly start paying the $40,000 i wracked up last year at the University of Oregon.
• Buy a daily planner to keep my school appointments in order!
• Reading some good non-fiction. Though, while i am teaching, i may stick to fiction.

The old distorted thoughts/manner of thinking have crept into my life again. I think they are often there, but i am good and rationalizing them away. Its funny, in retrospect, i dealt with A LOT of this over the years. All the time i wondered whether i was ok or whether i needed help…. really…. i needed help. How can one know that their basis of normality is not quite normal. (makes me think of Gareth from The Neverending Story, "I wonder what your basis for comparison is?"). So much of my adult life has been spent in anxiety, distorted thoughts about myself, my performance, others views of me. So many people i just wrote off in my life because i could not understand why they would even want to keep in contact with me. Why would they want to talk to me, advocate for me, get to know me, help me in any way???

What i have been dealing with has to do with work (both of them), my performance, and others’ perception of me. I am scared that i am not doing my job, not working to expectations, that i could/should be doing more, that other people look at me and think the same thing. People are thinking that i am doing things wrong, that i am doing the minimal amount of work possible.

Not, logically i know this is not/may not be the case. Generally people indicate in some manner if there is an issue. But, what i do is read into the body language, the nuances, and make my own conclusions. It can be devastating. Funny though, i am so much better at changing these distorted thoughts than i used to be, but my own personal work can only go so far. I really need professional help.

I was going to talk more about my relationship with Kevin, but i do not even know if i have it in me. Never in my life has someone made me so infuriated, upset, excited (sexually)…. i am so incredibly in love too. The previous entry about him was really bad. I was so upset. He is well aware of his issues and wants to change them. A long time ago i told him that the only way i would continue this relationship was if he/we went to counseling. He completely agrees, and i look forward to this. The barrier now is that he is unemployed, moved away from his 9 year old daughter and misses her like crazy, and has even more issues with distorted thinking than i do.

Good news, though!!! My beloved sister, whom i am very close to, just gave birth to her second child. Avery Shannon is 2 days old now. I cried and cried (in the middle of  a conference for middle school teachers), wishing i were in Spokane with her. I will drive up the day before Thanksgiving and stay a few days, though i will i could stay a week. I miss her so darn much. I want to hold that baby (and cry, i know it).

I will cry because i think of having a child. All. The. Time. Its one of my issues, and the reason that Mark and i broke up in 2009 (the one, the one, the one i thought was the one). Its funny. I know that some women go through hormonal times when they want to have children (even salivate at the thought) and certainly i know i have. With me though, i know i would be an amazing mother, and i would like to. I really have a gift with children. I would like that gift to with with my own child. *sigh* And to be honest. I have considered being lax with the birth control just to see what happens. I have to be honest with myself and the world with that. I have thought of it. I believe that many, many women have thought of and done the same thing, just do not own up to it. I have issues with doing that, though (as should everyone!). Its totally unfair to the other person involved. I have a lot of integrity and i think this crosses the line.  But, sometimes my worry about being 35 and getting too old makes me wonder….

Please, feel free to chastise me, i will take your words to their face value as long as you are not judgmental or rude to me. This is an honest conversation with adults.

Lately i feel emotional, on edge, sad, happy, in love, busy, overwhelmed, longing. I need more time to myself. I need to be appreciated (by Kevin, because i really am a fantastic girlfriend and i put up with more than i should). I need to spend more time in the city (Portland). I want to take this three day yoga retreat by myself. I need to look deep into myself, accept what i find, and find that sometimes (or many times) it is ok not to know that whys of my every move, thought, action.

I need to just be.

Sit with myself.

Be ok with what i find.

Its been a really long time since i have posted an entry like this. Thank you for listening, it really means the world to me, those of you who are still there.