loneliness

Sunday and I am off, slept in and watched the way the clock seemed to mock me every hour.  Every open wink before turning over and burying my face in the pillows.  Last night I used folded clothes as bed companions, the room was dark after putting up the dark out curtains and so much cooler than it has been – but still, where is the touch, the emotion, the anything that makes me feel somewhat human.  There are always chooses and options, but both parties need to be willing and able.  Both need to want more than just themselves.

Friday "he" and I did our normal chat/text.  I know that man wants me and adores me, but I think with him thats all he can do.  His past has left him absolutely scattered and untrusting of women and while I understand that as well, I am not the other women.  I haven’t heard anything from him since Friday night and I am not texting/calling/emailing.  If he wants me enough he will come to me.  Its not playing games, I hate the games.  Instead its trying to protect me, I let myself out there last time.  Told him I loved him, that I wanted to be with him…it wasn’t until after he hurt me that he admitted he loves me.  And I let him have the time and space and he came back around and it became more and more consistent until yesterday.

You put yourself out there, you feel and love and care and smile and laugh.  Today seems to be one of the introspective days.  I’ll never give up on hope and love and as much as I say I will let him be, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care and love.  I do.  But the loneliness is eating at me today.  The empty bed, the cloudy, rainy day that it is turning out to be where all I would want to do is curl up on the couch and watch movies.  To sit and laugh and talk, little snippets of conversation that have no real point but are the whole entire point.  I still remember how it feels to lay with my head on his chest and how his heart beat soft and steadily.