biology?

I’ve noticed a pattern. I can put Matthew in the very far corners of my mind 75% of the time. But the week in my cycle before I’m fertile, my brain goes into overdrive bringing him up again and again. 

Here’s the thing. John and I have been having unprotected sex for years. Although we’ve never actually *tried* to have a baby, there’s clearly something wrong. It’s not a big deal, outwardly, again because we aren’t even sure if we want to have a kid yet. The problem will come when (if) we decide we do, because we’ll then have to acknowledge that a doctor’s visit is in order. Maybe I can’t have kids (unlikely, based on my obgyn’s opinion). Maybe he can’t have kids.

So is my body telling me to seek out Matthew so that I can have his pretty babies? Because I swear, that 75% of the time, he’s firmly in the "not worth my time" category of my brain. But right now…fuck. Right now I could get myself off on the memory of our night together allll daaayy lonnnnng. Right now the urge to check his facebook page sits right in the ends of my fingertips, begging me to find out if he’s up to anything new. Right now, my brain runs through scenario after scenario of casually running into him. And that’s just this time.

Last time – I got drunk and facebook messaged him (John found out, of course. That was fun.). The few times before that I handled it decorously enough, but each of the instances where I drunk dialed him or doubted myself…all the way back to the night I went home with him instead of John last year – I was totally ovulating. 

I watched some documentary a few years ago on sex that said women are prettier when they’re ovulating (our faces become more symmetrical). We’re also giving off pheremones that will attract men to us. It also said that married women who are ovulating are more likely to go out to a club, and are also more likely to cheat. It’s interesting to speculate whether biology is the driving force behind my attraction to Matthew. What’s more scary than interesting though is…why?