gone

So yes. Yesterday was pure paranoia. We are better than ever after talking this morning. Scary good. I can’t explain it. But I am intrigued.

I read Gone Girl. Grabbed it at Target yesterday afternoon and already finished it. Amazing. Twisted. Seriously a fucking awesome book. You are missing out if you don’t read it. I don’t understand the obsession with 50 shades of Gray. Not compared to this book – which is a real fucking book that sat behind the gray trilogy on the bestseller list all summer. I read 50, and it was readable. Painful, but readable. The story was good, or at least interesting. But the author was crap. This author though (Gillian Flynn) is fucking amazing. I’m done. I’m not all about the book reviews, but sometimes you just have to spread the wealth. If you like dark, twisted, "holy fuck" kind of books, pick that one up. 

So uhhhh yeah. John and I are good. We even talked about Matthew today. And John wasn’t talking about the fact that he wants to murder him. He thinks maybe my therapist is right, that I need to talk to Matthew. To get real explanations (if they exist). He has conditions: that I do it in the light of day, that I’m honest about it; that there’s no alcohol involved. Very reasonable. Very real. Very grown up. I don’t know if I’m grown up enough for that yet. John’s explanation for wanting me to talk to Matthew is very smart. He thinks that as long as everything is unresolved between Matthew and I that I will continue to hang on to the "what ifs." He may not be wrong. Turn out our crimes and excuses in the light of day and we probably won’t want anything to do with each other. The daydreamy-ness will be gone. We will just feel like assholes. We probably won’t want to be friends. 

In any case, I can’t see it happening. Not yet, maybe not ever. A: I don’t believe I can get him to sit down with me. Not sober. Not on purpose. I might be able to talk to him if we happen to cross paths, but the likelihood of us crossing paths while he’s sober is insanely slim. He doesn’t come to town, and when he does, the does it to drink with his buddies. B: I’m scared to let it all go, admit I was crazy, admit my attraction to him was our victim/rescuer relationship. And that I’m incredibly broken. That I could never be good for him, not as a girlfriend or as a friend. Admit that I made a mistake. That John is really, really good for me. 

The other semi-disturbing but mostly good thing John and I discussed was my potentially very dark future with Matthew if I had/did try to date him. Matthew is everything John is, but worse. An alcoholic who actually does need the alcohol to get through the day. Or drugs. Lots of drugs. I suppose John would know. Certainly more than I would. I can’t read people’s drug habits because I’ve never done them. Matthew has John’s drive but maybe not the follow through. I would not be able to fix him. He may never care to fix himself. It would not have been good.

I don’t know why…but this all puts my head in a better place. A stronger place. I almost feel like I’m in control of myself. I’ll let you know how that goes…