messy

I marvel at the amount of damage my psyche has. Nothing *that* bad has ever happened to me. I know people that have had seriously horrible shit happen in their lives. I really can’t touch their damage with a ten foot pole. Regardless, somehow I’ve managed to let the little shit in life pile up to a point that I am every bit as dysfunctional and messed up as someone who has had a far worse life.

I’m a train wreck again today. And again, it’s really for no fucking reason. One little stress trigger got pushed and I’m out of control upset. For hours. And even after the initial issue is resolved I can’t move on with my day. All I can seem to do is sit here and feel sorry for myself. Alternately crying and trying to understand it, but never getting it under control. WTF???

I think I’m a sort of master at disguising my weaknesses as strengths. I’ve always been socially awkward, and yet I constantly put myself in a position to pretend I’m not – seriously, how is it that I’m in sales and marketing? Shouldn’t I be an accountant? Yet here I am, and I’m good at what I do. It stresses me out to an insane degree, but that’s what I choose to do every day. I’m incredibly disorganized mentally: I can’t remember shit, I’m always losing things, and I get overwhelmed from too many things on my plate – and yet, I’m a neat freak, my house is always cleaned, my shit is always put up in the right place, I keep everything organized at work (while everyone else just lets it go to hell), and I look far more put together than most people most days. I project confidence, even cockiness and bitchiness at work, when in reality I’m amazingly insecure.

I don’t know. It’s like I camouflage myself to keep people from being able to see my weaknesses to attack them. But underneath it all I’m someone entirely different from who I pretend to be. And honestly, I don’t know if even *I* know who the real me is. If I’m a disorganized antisocial insecure person, how do I own that? I can’t just suddenly relax and be myself, because I would alienate everyone I know. And I wouldn’t really be able to make any new friends. Who wants to be around someone like that? So am I that mousy person that my real traits seem to point to me being, or am I the self that I project to other people? And if I am the projected self – then who am I when no one else is around? Who am I trying to look good for? Do I lie to myself too? Do I fake myself out?

I think I probably do. I think I have for years. I self-analyze constantly, and yet I portray my own traits falsely to myself.

I know this entry is practically unreadable. Like I said. I’m a freaking mess today.