Mostly.

So….I had a small meltdown today. Still having it, I guess, or I wouldn’t be here. John and I have been doing really, spectacularly well. And Matthew has faded to a curiosity. Someone whose facebook page I visit once every week or two. Mostly.

It’s been 8 months since Christmas Eve. Since the last time he kissed me, kept me warm in his coat, slept next to me. I know, through therapy, that we had a crappy, addict-style relationship. That sometimes he was the victim, telling me about all of his horrible girlfriends and their shitty relationships, and I was the rescuer, telling him he was too good for it. And sometimes I was the victim, scared of my future with just one man, scorned by my alcoholic husband, scared of my disintegrating marriage and unknown future, looking for him to tell me I was still worth something, that I would fight through it all, that I would be strong. Wanting him to be my strength. I was coming from an especially unhealthy place. And maybe he felt sorry for me. I still have no idea what motivated him. But, we had no shot, because we leaned on each other for all the wrong reasons. And the thing is, I really do think he’s special. He’s so smart, and strong, witty, funny, handsome, and caring.

I want to be in his life, to show him love. Adult love instead of the childish version I showed him before. And it’s impossible. I’m already married, and John and I are good. I have no reason to leave. No cause to let my love go to someone else. It’s not acceptable to love them both, and so I’m left with a hole that John can never fill. And I don’t know how to fill it myself. 

Mostly I’m fine. But sometimes it really fucking hurts.