freakish dream

I’ve spent the morning cleaning, paying bills, and periodically pulling out and trying to dissect the memory of my dream from last night. Of course, in the classic style of dream memories, the more I try to grasp at it the quicker it fades. Still, I’ve got the basic pieces left:

John and I are walking through a building down hallways and John has to stop by the place he works, so he just goes into a room and closes the door – leaving me in the hallway. I walk down the hallway only to see that Matthew is sitting in the room at the end, a bedroom of some sort, typing on a typewriter. I walk in, start talking to him, start arguing with him, and, naturally, start making out with him. It devolves into the best type of sex, the type where he wants to control everything, and I’m happy to just ride the waves of orgasms. But suddenly, when we’re done, he bites his finger, makes it bleed, and then makes me suck drops of blood out of it. And then, still horny and whirling from the amazing sex, there’s a knock on the door, he grabs my arm and takes me with him to answer it, and John is standing there. Then he basically tells John that I’ll do as I’m told now, and hands me over, closing the door and leaving me in the hallway with John, under some sort of freakish mind control. And then I look at John, get instantly horny and start making out with him. Then I wake up.

How fucked up can one girl be? Shit. That’s the sexiest dream I can remember having in months, and it even included sex with my own private addiction (Matthew).  I’m clearly harboring resentment against him…and I’m not sure for what. For letting me go? For gaining my trust and stomping on it? I don’t know, all of the above maybe. Maybe I resent him for just being a fantasy. The real man doesn’t come close to living up to my fantasy version. 

Was the whole dream just a fucking processing job of the general story arch of my recent history? 1) John and I are together, seemingly happy, 2) Matthew gets involved and pulls out a part of my sexuality that’s been missing for years, 3) Matthew just walks away and leaves me with John, 4) I force myself to make it work.

Anyway, maybe now that this is on paper it will get the fuck out of my brain. It’s throwing me off. 

Dinner with the rents tonight, John is coming with to see them for the first time since Thanksgiving (before everything happened). My parents are pretty good at non-akwardness, although I’m a little worried about my dad. He used to love John, I think he felt betrayed that John wasn’t as good as he thought he was (the truth about his alcoholism, etc, all came out while we were split up during December). He’s made a few comments since then that worry me as far as him not accepting John back as a part of the family. Such a mess. I guess I’ll find out how bad it is tonight. Maybe it’s all fine.