shit.

 Every day I try to deal with sorting through a little more of our stuff. I know I have to attack everything in small pieces because we have years of stuff to untangle and years of memories together and even going through clothes or books is hard. I’ve been sorting through our books (we have a lot, I’m a big reader, and John aspires to be one, even though he really isn’t) this morning, trying to see what can be sold for even a little bit of cash online, and what I’ll just need to take to our local half price place and hope I get an offer for. We don’t *have* to get rid of them, but they really just take up space, and I think we’ll feel a lot cleaner and clearer with less stuff to cart away after this. Nevermind that John really wants almost nothing of our life together (I think he can list less than 10 things that he wants to take). So I would be the one carting all of this around. Better to make some extra cash off of them and move on.

All that said, every time I start to do something like this (yesterday it was the christmas tree), I start to backpedal. I think: this is too hard, we can’t do this, we can’t afford this, have we really tried hard enough? (no), we should really try to work this out. Obviously my doubts stem from the overwhelming nature of what we are doing, and not from a desire to be with him, but it still freaks me out. I have to stop myself. I have to breathe. If the fucking books do this to me, what will it be like later? Or is this as bad as it gets? None of our stuff is really any more than just stuff. Our personal items (clothes, jewelry (all mine is super cheap, so no conflict there), etc will just go to each of us in turn, so there will be very little sorting there. I have considered selling my engagement ring to help pay off the debt, but I can’t stomach the idea fully yet. 

I want to talk to John about this. To reassure myself that we are doing the right thing. But our talks are so freaking hard. And I never say what I mean to say, because of the way I’ve always manuvered in our conversations (one of our big problems, really): I shut down, I don’t share unless he asks a direct questions, and his questions are always so pointed that if I give honest answers, I easily make myself the bad guy.

He’s on his way home from an aa meeting now.  I can’t help but think of how relieved everyone would be if we were staying together. Of how quickly people would accept that and retreat from all the judgement that they have now. I’m such a freaking people pleaser, it makes me cry just to think how much easier it would be to stay in all of this and have everyone love me again. Fuck, another freaking spiral. More crappy tears. I’m so over this emotional rollercoaster bullshit. I hate days off. I don’t know how to relax anymore. Shit.