done

I talked to John. Wedding rings are off. Ugh, this is going to be a long day.

He came to me this morning, just a few minutes after I let the dogs out. Said that he’ll try to be nice while his Mom is here, but he’s had a few days of clarity to think about it, and I reek of Matthew. Asked me if I had been talking to and seeing him. I told him yes, that I’ve been texting him, and that I saw him the night I went out with Vic, although not for very long. He said that was the second and last time he would let me break his heart. He handed me his ring and started to walk out of my room.

I stopped him, made him listen a little to how I feel, and what I realized yesterday. John clearly wants to hate me and feel like everything is black and white (because, duh, that would be so much easier). I told him that I realized in therapy yesterday that I was more scared of staying married than I was of getting a divorce. That I haven’t been deliberately lying to him, that in reality I’ve been lying to myself as well as to him. I always just assumed I would pull my act together and do the right thing, because I’m usually so practical. I had been avoiding everything, trying so hard not to make a wrong decision, that I didn’t realize what it was I wanted. I tried to be so clear that this wasn’t deliberate. I tried to say this wasn’t about me having a relationship with Matthew, but he called bullshit on that, and I guess he’s right. I do want a relationship with Matthew, but it really is irrelevant in the context of our conversation this morning. 

His mom will be here for several more days. I’m hoping she helps soothe him and calm him down. His anger is natural, but he can be very irrational about it (like he was for the week after this all happened). I have to tell myself that he will not stay super angry forever. That maybe I wasn’t crazy thinking we can do this as adults. We’ll see.

Keep breathing, Katie. Shit.