last night

So….I saw Matthew last night. 

I was out with my friend Vic and his ex-wife Blanca, and Matthew (who I knew was in town) texted us to come hang out at another bar with him. He had brought three guys with him from Austin, so I hardly got to do more than say hello, but he wrapped me in a great big hug when he first walked in and came up behind me at the bar. God that felt good. Vic and Blanca left just before 2, and I stayed until close with Matthew and his Austin friends, not wanting to leave his company, even though we weren’t talking directly at all.

When I tabbed out and grabbed my purse to leave, he got his coat as well and walked me out. It was raining (does it always rain when we’re together? It feels like it.) and so we stood under the overhang in front of the bar not wanting to leave each other. He tried to talk me into following them to a hotel and staying in a room with him so that we could spoon and be together a few more hours, but I declined. I’m pretty sure we did some kissing right there in front of the bar. Oops. Everyone knows him in this town. Not my best judgement, but I think everyone who knew me that had been at the bar had already left. I soooo didn’t want to leave him. But I had to work super early this morning, and I knew John would be up watching the clock and waiting to see when I got home (he knew I was out with Vic, but I’m sure he saw Matthew’s facebook post that he might come to town, so he was undoubtably suspicious). So I left. But not before I promised to go and see him Christmas Eve. 

Okay, so out of recap mode now, let me tell you how I feel:

Relieved. After seeing him and holding him, I know it’s not just me that accidently fell in love. It’s mutual, and we’re definitely fighting the same demons.

Horny. Swear to god I wasn’t last night (too much beer, probably), but today, when I recall feeling his body mashed up against mine while we held each other…well yeah. Definitely horny.

Scared for my marriage. Uhhh me planning a date for Christmas Eve because I know my husband will be ignoring me? Not a good sign.

Also, I didn’t mention it before, but I’ve told Vic what is going on (Vic is yet another mutual friend of mine, Matthew’s, and John’s, so I was *very* hesitant to say anything to him). He is a good friend. Super supportive and completely non-judgemental. Exactly what I needed. I needed to know that not everyone is going to hate me if I end my marriage. So that’s a relief.