[bang head here]

 I feel myself trying so hard to be cold and detached when thinking about Matthew, but, uhhhh, it’s not working. I texted him two days ago and never heard back. Which is fine, really it is, but it scares me all the same. We were so close the week after it all happened, it was like we were in non-stop contact, and I always had him to lean on. And now I reach out to him just to make sure he’s still there, grasping for his hand to hold, and he’s just absent. It may be that it doesn’t last, that I’ll hear from him today or tomorrow, but I’m so worried that I’ve seen and heard the last from him, and it makes me feel so empty.

Piled on top of that are my fears of being alone on Christmas. John’s mom comes Thursday and she’s staying here, but John booked rooms for the two of them at the bed and breakfast he works at in Salado on Christmas Eve and Christmas. John’s been very clear that I can come if I want, but he’s also made it very clear that he really just wants to hang out with his mom and he would just be tolerating me. Eh, I guess that’s not a fair description of his feelings, they seem to be very complex. I know John wants to lean on me and for me to need him and want to be with him. We kind of did this date thing this weekend, which was fine, and then we went to see the movie on Sunday, which again was fine, but I think he’s noticed me dodging him touching me, and that’s upset him and made him pull back again (which is fine, I really feel like I need the space anyway). So maybe John wants me there, but he wants me to want to be there, which I don’t.

So anyway, if they go to the b&b, that leaves me in Temple alone. My brother doesn’t ever arrive in town until Christmas day, so I can see him then and on Monday (which also means tolerating my mom, ugh), but that still leaves me alone on Saturday night. Christmas Eve is the wrong night for me to be hanging out all by myself. Guess who I would desperately want to see?

Christmas will mark a full month since Matthew and I (almost) hooked up. It’ll also be three weeks since I’ve seen him. I don’t know if he’ll be in town for the holidays, I doubt he has a lot of time off work. I don’t think his parents celebrate Christmas, but that doesn’t mean he won’t want to be up here with his friends if he is actually off work. Am I one of those friends anymore? Does he want to see me? Does he know how much I want to see him?

*Bang head here.*