[matthew]

I know that Matthew needs to be out of the equation. That any decisions I make need to be made purely from a standpoint of what is best for me and for John.

I *know* that. But let’s be honest, my brain is completely unreliable. There are little dopamine receptors that I can almost hear "sigh" in joy anytime I speak to/text/see Matthew. I’m not really seeing him at all (he lives out of town, so I haven’t seen him since the weekend I hid out there more than two weeks ago), and I haven’t spoken with him since then either, but I kind of live for his texts. Which feels so much like waiting for a boy to pass me a note back in highschool I can’t even believe it. So anyway, that’s why so many of my blogs are Matthew-centric. I’m obsessed with him, and I have no other real outlet for those feelings, so they’re all jumbled up in here. 

This morning, I almost started crying because I’ve felt him pull away in the past week and I’m starting to realize that there probably is no scenario where he and I get to even stay friends, much less be together. I think (I don’t know, because we haven’t actually talked about our feelings in weeks) that he is pulling away from me, expecting me to go back to John. Because, let’s face it, he knows me, has known me for years, and he knows my decision-making process. I’m practical, I wear my heart on my sleeve but I believe in doing the right thing. Staying with John is the right thing. I don’t know how I’d live with myself if I left John now, after barely a year and a half of marriage (5 1/2 together). I had so many hopes and dreams for us. Our families and our friends did too. I don’t know how to walk away from that and be okay with who I am. 

But John expects me to be in love with him, to be present in our marriage and to be working on it. And my heart is just. not. in. it. You know?

I really can’t wait to see my shrink on Thursday, there’s so much I want to talk to her about. You’d think I’d rather have someone I’m close to to share all of this with, but people have way too many opinions on everything. There are very few people I’ve been able to talk to about any of this without being told I have to save my marriage. Or that I should be taking the bigger bedroom. Or that I have to forget Matthew (x1000 on that one btw). I’m tired of learning what other people’s expectations for me are. I really don’t care what they want me to do, only that I make the right decision. Does that exist at all? Or am I after the holy grail?

We’ll see, I guess.