12/11/2011

 Do you ever listen to other people’s problems and go, "Wow, thank god that’s not me, my life is really just peachy." Yeah? Well it turns out, I’m that other person these days. It’s not that I have bad luck or that tragic things keep happening to me, it’s just that I’m a complete fucking train wreck.

My husband, who is handsome, moderately well-trained, and loves the shit out of me, just isn’t doing it for me anymore. Instead, I obsess over a mutual friend with whom I’m in a semi-affair with that has been building for more than a year. We finally crossed a line just after Thanksgiving and now my marriage is in pieces and I’m stuck facing reality.

Reality, as it turns out, is not that fun. 

I could end my marriage, but going straight to the other guy would only ruin any chances of a real relationship with him. This shit has fucked both of us up and we both need time to recover. That means, that if I end my marriage, I’m just a single girl with a house full of shit trying to shoulder a mortgage on a measly excuse for a salary.

I could try to work it out with John, but I still find it impossible to be attracted to him, and living in the same house as him is a miserable fucking existence even is seperate rooms, nevermind if I was going to have to go back to faking orgasms. 

I worked a zillion hours this week and really never had time to think, and then today all it took was a few glasses of wine over at April’s and all my brain could say was "Why don’t you go see the other guy?" I would love to. I would love to have someone to hold me and make my problems disappear for a few days. I would love for someone to fix this. I would love to just be in the same room as him. But he’s not equipped to fix this for me. Shit, he’s barely equipped to fix himself and the last two relationships he’s been in (which, coincidentally, began with girls leaving their husbands…). Maybe I need to stop worrying so much about how to "fix" things. My marriage will not go back to how it was before Thanksgiving (probably a good thing), and my friendship with the other guy will never go back to the grey, flirty, happy area. Both are over. How am I supposed to rebuild?